What is the role of a lawyer during the divorce mediation process?

 As a matrimonial attorney, clients consult me while pursuing mediation typically in the context of wanting to make informed decisions. Particularly in a complex case, a client may find the amount of information offered by the mediator daunting, or may wish to better understand the refinements of a particular issue. Accordingly, I am retained as a kind of sounding board. The client attends the mediation session and then discusses with me what he or she has learned, how it impacts his or her personal case, and what other issues may flow from that particular topic. Having the client feel more comfortable and informed can enhance the future mediation sessions.

At what point in time do you intervene in the process?

The client should advise the mediator and spouse that he or she is also working with a lawyer. Most divorce mediators recommend to their clients that they get advice during the mediation process if needed, and certainly before signing any documents. The relationship should be transparent. Although it may at times seem counterintuitive to a divorcing couple, the mediation process works best where trust is displayed by all concerned. Having an attorney behind the scenes smacks of gamesmanship and can backfire.

Do you help both parties or just one?

If a lawyer is desired, the lawyer should only advise one of the participants as the mediator is the one in a sense representing both parties. With respect to when the attorney should enter the process, I would think at the outset or when the client encounters a difficult issue that he or she wants more information/guidance on.

Timothy J. Horgan, Esq.
The Law Offices of Timothy J. Horgan
New York Office: 575 Madison Ave., 10th Floor, New York, NY 10022
T: (212) 605-0435
Long Island Office: U.S. Trust Building, 1581 Franklin Avenue, Mineola, New York 11501
T: (516) 280-3123
Email: tjhorgan@timhorganlaw.com
Website: www.timhorganlaw.com

Do you know a friend or colleague whom you feel would find this article relevant? Please feel free to forward this article to them.

If you have any questions or concerns about Mediation,
or would like to schedule a no fee mediation consultation ,
please don’t hesitate to contact me today!

jennifer safian
divorce and family mediator

phone: (212) 472-8626
email: js@safianmediation.com
website: www.safianmediation.com

Divorce and Family Mediation
Upper East Side of Manhattan (NYC)
New York, NY

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What is the role of a financial advisor during the divorce process?

The role of a financial advisor during the divorce process is to help one or both parties to develop a financial plan that allows them to get on with their lives post-divorce. A divorce requires a separation of assets, followed by new management of your daily expenses and savings. A financial advisor can be very helpful with both these important items.

When should a financial advisor be consulted during the divorce process?

It is best if I am consulted as early as possible in the process. As an objective professional, I  can help both parties discuss their assets and spending needs in an unemotional way, and be an invaluable resource to help each spouse formulate their own individual financial plan for life post-divorce.

While most people can certainly prepare their budget, I  can provide a sounding board as they work on this important item. Doing it early on can often give the couple a chance to “try out” the spending budget to see if it is realistic before they agree to a settlement. I can also help them look at different options as they create their monthly budget.

In this role, I do not charge my clients for my services, but eventually am paid approximately 1% of any assets that I would manage for them post-divorce, so there is no financial reason not to engage an advisor upfront.

Can you work with both parties or do you only work with one party?

I can work with one or both parties, giving some benchmarks on how to manage their assets post-divorce so that each can have a successful financial plan in place as they move forward with their separate lives.

David Cote, Financial Advisor
dacote@mvm.com
917 837 5513

Do you know a friend or colleague whom you feel would find this article relevant? Please feel free to forward this article to them.

If you have any questions or concerns about Mediation,
or would like to schedule a no fee mediation consultation ,
please don’t hesitate to contact me today!

jennifer safian
divorce and family mediator

phone: (212) 472-8626
email: js@safianmediation.com
website: www.safianmediation.com

Divorce and Family Mediation
Upper East Side of Manhattan (NYC)
New York, NY

Get Your FREE Copy of Jennifer’s 12 Critical Mistakes to Avoid When Considering a Separation or Divorce!!

The mediator will provide information such as:

• What the child support calculations are in New York State

• The differences between marital and separate property

• Possible tax consequences to investigate before making final decisions on divisions of assets

For specific advice to one or the other party or for help on other questions outside of his field, the mediator will be more than happy to refer the parties to appropriate professionals before, during or at the end of the process. Some of these professionals include but are not limited to:

• Attorneys for legal advice

• Financial advisors to supplement the work done in mediation in reallocation of financial assets as well as investing the assets, taking into account the present and future needs of each party

• Tax advisors who will calculate the tax consequences of sale or transfer of some properties

• Forensic accountants to evaluate businesses, establish value of intellectual property or professional degrees obtained during the marriage

• Child psychologists to help the children navigate the difficult transitions during their parents’ divorce

• Individual therapists for emotional support to either party

• Family therapists

• Coaches who may give support during the mediation process, and in the reorganization of life post divorce

• Real estate agents who can evaluate presently owned property, and help sell, purchase or rent property

• Interior designers who can help families remaining in the same house or moving to a new place, redesign space, or deal with renovations both large and small

While you are navigating these difficult times, do not hesitate to ask your mediator for recommendations of professionals that you may wish to contact for advice. In my next few blogs, I will interview some of these professionals to give you an idea of how they can be of help.

Do you know a friend or colleague whom you feel would find this article relevant? Please feel free to forward this article to them.

If you have any questions or concerns about Mediation,
or would like to schedule a no fee mediation consultation ,
please don’t hesitate to contact me today!

jennifer safian
divorce and family mediator

phone: (212) 472-8626
email: js@safianmediation.com
website: www.safianmediation.com

Divorce and Family Mediation
Upper East Side of Manhattan (NYC)
New York, NY

Get Your FREE Copy of Jennifer’s 12 Critical Mistakes to Avoid When Considering a Separation or Divorce!!

There are times when you may feel afraid to be too close to a divorcing couple. Suddenly, your marriage may seem like it could also be in danger. This is a normal reaction for some and may require a little distancing from those friends.

But divorce is not contagious, one does not catch it like a virus. Sometimes, bumps in your marriage may just trigger a thought that your life is not perfect. But no one’s life is perfect! Most of the bumps do not mean that a divorce is the answer, and can be dealt with in other ways.

However, if you need to take a temporary step back, you may want to tell your friend that you are not abandoning them, you just don’t want to get in the middle. Let them know that they should not be afraid to ask you at any time for help with the kids, to run some errands, cook a meal, or do anything to relieve them from a chore.

Remember that your friends are suffering, each in their own way and that any way you can assist them, even by just listening, may be of huge benefit to them.

If you have experienced divorce and can offer suggestions to friends of a divorcing couple, your input would be very much appreciated, I’m sure.

Do you know a friend or colleague whom you feel would find this article relevant? Please feel free to forward this article to them.

If you have any questions or concerns about Mediation,
or would like to schedule a no fee mediation consultation ,
please don’t hesitate to contact me today!

jennifer safian
divorce and family mediator

phone: (212) 472-8626
email: js@safianmediation.com
website: www.safianmediation.com

Divorce and Family Mediation
Upper East Side of Manhattan (NYC)
New York, NY

Get Your FREE Copy of Jennifer’s 12 Critical Mistakes to Avoid When Considering a Separation or Divorce!!

The divorce process is certainly difficult for the couple going through it, but it can be equally difficult for their friends. What do you say? What do you do? Who do you support?

If you have a relationship with both the husband and wife, it may be very difficult not to get caught in between them, particularly because circumstances are usually adversarial.

If you wish to maintain your relationships with both, it is very important not to take sides. You need to make it clear to each of them, separately, that you are there for them, to listen to and support them, but that you will remain neutral and not side with one or the other.

Picking sides, or attempting to side with both, will not only end up hurting them, but it will hurt you because they may feel you are being disloyal. One party may get angry and decide they would rather not continue your relationship, which is unfortunate but may very well happen.

If you are friends with only one of the parties, it is important that you not fuel any of the anger that your friend may be feeling towards his or her spouse. There are always two sides to a story. Your role as a friend is neither to pick one of those sides, nor overtly blame your friend’s partner, as that may only serve to exacerbate your friend’s emotional state.

Be willing to listen. Often, not saying anything can be the best gift you have to offer. Your friends will undoubtedly endure volatile periods and feelings, including anger, sadness, hopelessness, frustration, guilt, blame, shame, and fear. Being there to listen and comfort them during these difficult and sometimes unpredictable times, will be more helpful and important to them than they may know or realize in the moment.

If your friend asks you for help, you may suggest that they get as much information as they can about the process. Of course, a mediator is a good place to start. I offer a free consultation to explain the process and answer questions that the divorcing couple might have, as well as help them assess if mediation is the right path for them. If they need legal or financial advice, the mediator can refer them to someone after helping them narrow down exactly the kind of questions they need answered.

The very best way in which you can help your friends is by being “there” for them, making yourself part of their emotional support system and letting them know that.   

Do you know a friend or colleague whom you feel would find this article relevant? Please feel free to forward this article to them.

If you have any questions or concerns about Mediation,
or would like to schedule a no fee mediation consultation ,
please don’t hesitate to contact me today!

jennifer safian
divorce and family mediator

phone: (212) 472-8626
email: js@safianmediation.com
website: www.safianmediation.com

Divorce and Family Mediation
Upper East Side of Manhattan (NYC)
New York, NY

Get Your FREE Copy of Jennifer’s 12 Critical Mistakes to Avoid When Considering a Separation or Divorce!!

I grew up in Paris, France and thought that I would live there the rest of my life. Then one day, my husband came home from work and announced that he had been offered a great job opportunity in New York City and that we needed to move. As a family with three young children, where the husband was the main breadwinner, whether I liked it or not, it was hard to pass on this offer. So the 5 of us picked up, packed up, and moved to the US of A!

But what happens when a couple is divorced? They are living close to each other now, so that they both have easy access to the children, but suddenly one person has an opportunity, or a desire, to move elsewhere. Is the other one supposed to follow so that they can still both be close to the children?

Recently, I actually worked with a couple where this happened. Their mediated divorce agreement stated that they were both planning to stay in New York City, but if one of them wanted to move, they would not make that decision without talking to each other and working out a new agreement. They ended up both moving to the new city so they could continue co-parenting their child.

While this situation had a happy ending, in most cases, only one party needs or wants to move, creating a huge disruption in the life of the former spouse, and especially, the lives of the children. In such a circumstance, the first thing you need to do is call your former spouse, ask to meet, and discuss the situation together. If you and your former spouse are having difficulty working this out between the two of you, seek the help of a mediator so as to create an agreement that will work best for you and the rest of your family.

Whether you are moving with or without the children, you will need to create a new parenting agreement as one of you will not be able to see the children with the same frequency as you do now. Holidays and vacations may give you more opportunities to spend extended time with your children, depending, of course, on your work responsibilities, your children’s schedules, and the distance between you and them.

Once you have your new schedule mapped out, sit down and talk to your children. They need to understand why things are changing and be reassured that they are not being abandoned. Explain to them the specific reasons requiring a relocation, and assure them that you will communicate on the phone, via skype, or text, and though it will be different than what they are used to, you will find new ways to spend time together.

Yes, life sometimes takes us to places that we never imagined we would go, but with a little planning and cooperation, you can mitigate the effects of those life changes on you, your children and your family.

Do you know a friend or colleague whom you feel would find this article relevant? Please feel free to forward this article to them.

If you have any questions or concerns about Mediation,
or would like to schedule a no fee mediation consultation ,
please don’t hesitate to contact me today!

jennifer safian
divorce and family mediator

phone: (212) 472-8626
email: js@safianmediation.com
website: www.safianmediation.com

Divorce and Family Mediation
Upper East Side of Manhattan (NYC)
New York, NY

Get Your FREE Copy of Jennifer’s 12 Critical Mistakes to Avoid When Considering a Separation or Divorce!!

This trial separation will require some decisions such as how they will handle the additional financial constraints associated with a second home, as well as ensuring each parent will have time with the children, in those cases where they have children. Spouses may also want to work out some ground rules as to the time they will spend together, what this temporary/trial separation means to each of them, how they will handle their social life while living apart and how this may affect long term plans of getting back together again.

Mediation can be the perfect setting for couples to work out all these issues as well as any others that they may be concerned about. At the request of the parties, the mediator will prepare a written agreement that the couple can sign, so that they each have, in writing, the terms of their trial separation.

This time will allow both spouses to rethink how they want to go forward with their lives at the end of the trial separation. Hopefully, they can start rebuilding their life together, but if they feel that they are unable to do so, they can come back to mediation to work out the terms of their permanent separation or divorce. At least they will go forward knowing that they tried their best to work things out.

If you have any questions about a trial separation, feel free to call us so that we may help you with this transition.

Do you know a friend or colleague whom you feel would find this article relevant? Please feel free to forward this article to them.

If you have any questions or concerns about Mediation,
or would like to schedule a no fee mediation consultation ,
please don’t hesitate to contact me today!

jennifer safian
divorce and family mediator

phone: (212) 472-8626
email: js@safianmediation.com
website: www.safianmediation.com

Divorce and Family Mediation
Upper East Side of Manhattan (NYC)
New York, NY

Get Your FREE Copy of Jennifer’s 12 Critical Mistakes to Avoid When Considering a Separation or Divorce!!

If my partner is asking for a prenup, does it mean that he/she is not committed to the marriage and already has divorce in mind before we even get married?

That was my initial reaction when my soon-to-be husband brought up the subject of us entering into a prenuptial agreement. I recognize now that I totally misunderstood what my fiance intended, and that in our case, the prenup was just an agreement to protect our children from our previous marriages in the event that one of us died.

Prenups do not necessarily signify a divorce or an anticipation of a failed marriage. They may not even include a mention of divorce if the parties do not wish to discuss that possibility. Prenups may just spell out some agreements that you and your fiance would like to make regarding some important decisions that will result in a more successful marriage.

Here are a few examples of issues that can be worked out in a prenup:

• Who and how will you make financial decisions?
  • Who will handle the checkbook?
  • Where will you deposit earnings from your jobs? Will you have separate or joint accounts?
  • How will savings be handled? Who will manage the money saved?
• If you come into the marriage with assets, how will you handle those assets? Will you keep them separate or commingle them?
• How will you share responsibilities in the household?
• If you are entering into a second marriage and have children from your previous marriage, how will you separate money for the children from your first marriage vs money for any children you may have in your second marriage, or money to be shared with your second spouse?
• If you come into the marriage with debt, whether school loans or other forms of debt, how will the debts be handled?
• Do you agree to have children?
• Will you both continue working once you have children?
• If you are of different religions, have you talked about in which religion you will raise the children?
• How may a choice of career impact the other spouse and the children? What if one of you chooses a career that is more satisfying intellectually but earns less than your earning capacity?
• If you own a business or intend to start one, what will be the role of your spouse in relation to that business?

We all agree that questions may arise in a life together that cannot be anticipated but for those that can, you will both gain and learn more about each other by working them out before saying “I do.”

So, don’t be concerned about the prenuptial agreement. The mediation setting will help you explore and discuss some of the ideas above or others that may be on your mind, and relieve some of the anxieties you may have as you embark on your married life!

And by the way, congratulations on your upcoming wedding! Safian Mediation wishes you both all the best for a long and happy life together!

Do you know a friend or colleague whom you feel would find this article relevant? Please feel free to forward this article to them.

If you have any questions or concerns about Mediation,
or would like to schedule a no fee mediation consultation ,
please don’t hesitate to contact me today!

jennifer safian
divorce and family mediator

phone: (212) 472-8626
email: js@safianmediation.com
website: www.safianmediation.com

Divorce and Family Mediation
Upper East Side of Manhattan (NYC)
New York, NY

Get Your FREE Copy of Jennifer’s 12 Critical Mistakes to Avoid When Considering a Separation or Divorce!!

In Part 1, we talked about how parents and in-laws may be affected by their children’s divorce and some things you can do to maintain a positive and open communication with them post-divorce. In part 2, we are going to look at how your divorce may affect your relationship with your in-laws.

During your marriage, you may have grown close to your in-laws and want to preserve that relationship for yourself as well as for your children. Your in-laws will be your children’s grandparents forever, as will their uncles, aunts or other relatives. Here are a few things that you may want to consider:

• Talk to your ex-spouse: this is probably the first thing you need to do in order to clarify how to deal with the future. I actually work with many couples who discuss this in the course of the mediation while working out their parenting plans. You and your spouse may not feel the same way about how you should maintain these relationships. One of you may prefer that the other no longer talk to his or her parents, so a conversation may be necessary in order to explain your position and your feelings.

• You may find out that your ex’s relatives are not interested in seeing you after the divorce. This could be very painful but you need to know where you stand.

• You also need to be prepared for how you will deal with your in-laws spending time with your children. Ask your spouse if you can make the arrangements directly with them or if you need to make them through each other first.

• Talk to your former in-laws: get approval from your ex-spouse first, then take the time to talk to them, whether grandparents, aunts, uncles or others. Hopefully your in-laws will be open to this conversation but keep in mind that they usually will feel a sense of loyalty to and support their own child first and foremost.

• The ongoing relationship with your in-laws can also be a cause for concern: in cases where your in-laws are more than willing to stay connected to you, your ex may be left feeling rejected and frustrated, and that can cause problems for you.

• Your former in-laws may feel uncomfortable around you when your ex-spouse starts to date. Or you may also find, that your relationship with them becomes tense as you begin dating again. Although your in-laws may have accepted that your relationship with their son or daughter is over, it can be hard for them to see you move on. Keeping a strong relationship with them, but also being honest about your needs is important.

In-laws sometimes become increasingly clingy throughout the divorce process because they worry about how their relationship with their grandchildren may suffer. Take every opportunity to reassure them that they will always be a welcome part of your child’s life. Let your children stay with them for a weekend or go out with them after school once a week. The grandparent/grandchild relationship is extremely important for all. Your children will have another set of people who love and care for them, and you will have someone to help you out when the need arises. This can also help your children deal with any insecurities they may feel throughout your divorce.

In-laws are a fact of life. Learning to deal with their personalities can be tricky, but the more accommodating you are, the easier the transition will be for you and your children. Don’t let your discomfort with your former in-laws deny your children a relationship with their grandparents.

The impact of divorce on parents and in-laws should not be forgotten. Addressing some of the problems early may help smooth the path for members of both families.

Do you know a friend or colleague whom you feel would find this article relevant? Please feel free to forward this article to them.

If you have any questions or concerns about Mediation,
or would like to schedule a no fee mediation consultation ,
please don’t hesitate to contact me today!

jennifer safian
divorce and family mediator

phone: (212) 472-8626
email: js@safianmediation.com
website: www.safianmediation.com

Divorce and Family Mediation
Upper East Side of Manhattan (NYC)
New York, NY

Get Your FREE Copy of Jennifer’s 12 Critical Mistakes to Avoid When Considering a Separation or Divorce!!

Part 1: Dealing with a son or a daughter-in-law after their divorce

When a couple gets divorced, the ones that are most affected of course are the couple themselves and their children, so it is understandable that the impact on one’s parents may be put aside. However, we must not forget the feelings and concerns of the grandparents, uncles and aunts, brothers and sisters, and other members of both families who have, over time, shared both good times and bad with the couple which is now breaking up. These family members are often at a loss as to how to handle the relationship with all parties going forward.

I remember once hearing the parents of a-soon-to-be divorced couple saying, “And what are we supposed to do now? Do they realize how this divorce is affecting us?” These words may sound selfish, especially to those going through the divorce, but these are valid questions regarding the future because all family members are affected in one way or another.

• How do we continue to have a relationship with our grandchildren?
• How do we relate to our ex-son or ex-daughter-in-law?
• Do we have to sever our relationship with our son-in-law or daughter-in-law because our child is separating?
• Do we have to sever our relationship with the other set of parents with whom we have become good friends because our children are no longer together?
• Will our child feel betrayed if we stay in touch with their former spouse or the other set of parents?
• We share grandchildren with the other grandparents: how are we going to manage that situation and continue to share with them visiting time, holidays and special occasions?
• We want to continue spending time with our grandchildren. How do we make that happen?

The couple getting divorced will need the love and support of their own parents and may be very appreciative that they are there for them, and that they can rely on them from time to time.

So parents, here are a few basic and important thoughts for you to keep in mind in order to keep the communication open with your divorcing or divorced children:

• At an appropriate moment, talk to your son or daughter and ask them openly what they expect from you. In an equally open manner, tell them what you would like from them. You would not want your son or daughter to find out that you are maintaining a relationship with their ex-spouse and possibly feel betrayed.
• If you want to continue to be involved in your grandchildren’s lives, don’t put them in the middle. Make your plans with the parent who is your child.
• If you want to see the children while they are with your former son-in-law or daughter-in-law, talk to your own child first and let them know that this is what you would like to do.
• Respect your own child’s wishes.
• Respect your grandchildren’s feelings as well. You would not want them to find out that you are seeing them without their mother or father’s approval. Grandchildren’s interest and comfort levels need to come first.
• And remember as well that your grandchildren should not be the carriers of secrets between any of their parents and grandparents.

I hope that you find these few tips helpful. Do you have any others? Feel free to post them below so that other families may benefit from your experience.

Do you know a friend or colleague whom you feel would find this article relevant? Please feel free to forward this article to them.

If you have any questions or concerns about Mediation,
or would like to schedule a no fee mediation consultation ,
please don’t hesitate to contact me today!

jennifer safian
divorce and family mediator

phone: (212) 472-8626
email: js@safianmediation.com
website: www.safianmediation.com

Divorce and Family Mediation
Upper East Side of Manhattan (NYC)
New York, NY

Get Your FREE Copy of Jennifer’s 12 Critical Mistakes to Avoid When Considering a Separation or Divorce!!

Divorce Prep Experts (DPE)

“It’s My Life & It’s My Divorce…How To Stay In Control & Protect My Future”

The seminar will consist of 7-minute presentations by a selection of experts on the topic of separation and/or divorce, followed by a Q&A session. This seminar will provide valuable information on the different issues that may be part of a divorce process.

The Experts include:

• Judge
• Attorney
• Mediator
• Financial Planner
• Child Psychologist
• Family Therapist
• Divorce Coach

If you know a man or a woman contemplating divorce or going through a divorce, who would benefit or be interested in this seminar, please pass this information along to them. 

Here is a link to the invitation on the DPE website:

http://www.divorceprepexperts.com/index.php/how-we-serve-you/3-hour-seminar

Do you know a friend or colleague whom you feel would find this article relevant? Please feel free to forward this article to them.

If you have any questions or concerns about Mediation,
or would like to schedule a no fee mediation consultation ,
please don’t hesitate to contact me today!

jennifer safian
divorce and family mediator

phone: (212) 472-8626
email: js@safianmediation.com
website: www.safianmediation.com

Divorce and Family Mediation
Upper East Side of Manhattan (NYC)
New York, NY

Get Your FREE Copy of Jennifer’s 12 Critical Mistakes to Avoid When Considering a Separation or Divorce!!

Christina said that as the child of a horrible, long and highly conflicted divorce, she thought that the only way to get divorced was by hiring separate lawyers and going through an adversarial and litigious process. She was not aware until recently that mediation was an alternative for separation, divorce and other family conflicts, and was interested in talking with me to get more information.

Here is the interview:

Or Click Here

Do you know a friend or colleague whom you feel would find this article relevant? Please feel free to forward this article to them.

If you have any questions or concerns about Mediation,
or would like to schedule a no fee mediation consultation ,
please don’t hesitate to contact me today!

jennifer safian
divorce and family mediator

phone: (212) 472-8626
email: js@safianmediation.com
website: www.safianmediation.com

Divorce and Family Mediation
Upper East Side of Manhattan (NYC)
New York, NY

Get Your FREE Copy of Jennifer’s 12 Critical Mistakes to Avoid When Considering a Separation or Divorce!!

Here are a few things to keep in mind beyond the schedule itself:

Transitions from one house to another

The actual going back and forth from one household to another, whether it happens every few days or just on weekends, can be hard on the children. Every reunion with one parent is also a separation from the other; each “hello” is also a “goodbye.” In joint custody arrangements, transition time is inevitable, but there are many things that you can do to help ease the transitions, both when your children leave and when they return. Some parents choose to drop off rather than pick up the children on the “switch day” as sometimes the pick up can interrupt the children in their activities and may upset them. This may not always be possible or convenient for the parents’ schedules, so try to plan ahead.

When your child leaves

As kids prepare to leave one house for the other, try to stay positive and have them ready on time. You may use some of the following ideas to ease those transitions:

• Help children anticipate the change: Remind them a day or two before the visit that they will be leaving for the other parent’s house.
• Pack in advance: Depending on their age, help children pack their bags well before they leave so that they don’t forget anything that is important to them. Encourage them to pack a favorite toy, stuffed animal or some other special item that they may want to have with them.
• Double up: To make packing simpler and make kids feel more comfortable when they are at the other parent’s house, have certain basics—toothbrush, hairbrush, pajamas, spare clothes—at both houses.

When your child returns

Especially in the beginning of the routine between the two homes, your child’s return can be awkward or even rocky. Try to allow the children some “space.” Children often need a little time to adjust to the transition. They probably don’t want to answer questions about what happened at the other house, so don’t quiz them. Let them speak up if they choose to do so. If they do seem to need some space, do something else nearby. In time, things will get back to normal.

Dealing with visitation refusal

Sometimes children refuse to leave one parent to be with the other. These transitions for children can be hard so refusal is quite common. Try and gently find the cause. The problem may be one that is easy to resolve, requiring a slight change in discipline style, or having more toys or clothes that they are attached to. It may be an emotional reason such as conflict or a misunderstanding. It may be that they were in the middle of their favorite television show when they had to get up and leave for the other house! Go with the flow. Whether you have detected the reason for the refusal or not, try to give your children the space and time that they obviously need.

A heart-to-heart talk with the other parent about the refusal may be challenging and emotional, but can help you figure out what the problem is. Try to be sensitive and understanding as you discuss this touchy subject. In the end, especially when your children are younger, the parents are the ones that ultimately make the decisions and it’s better for the children that you have regular interaction between the two of you so that you can work together on all these issues.

Do you have any good tips that you have used and would like to share with other parents? Please feel free to share them in the “Leave a Reply” box below! Thank you.

Do you know a friend or colleague whom you feel would find this article relevant? Please feel free to forward this article to them.

If you have any questions or concerns about Mediation,
or would like to schedule a no fee mediation consultation ,
please don’t hesitate to contact me today!

jennifer safian
divorce and family mediator

phone: (212) 472-8626
email: js@safianmediation.com
website: www.safianmediation.com

Divorce and Family Mediation
Upper East Side of Manhattan (NYC)
New York, NY

Get Your FREE Copy of Jennifer’s 12 Critical Mistakes to Avoid When Considering a Separation or Divorce!!

Peaceful, consistent, and purposeful communication between parents is essential to the success of co-parenting. You may think about your dealings as a business partnership where your “business” is your children’s well-being. Communicate as you would a colleague—with cordiality, respect, and neutrality.

As a parent, there are many steps that you can take to help your children cope with the effects of separation and divorce, with appropriate adjustments dependent on the children’ ages.

Aim for consistency

Children will adjust to two different households, but they need to know that they are living under the same set of expectations in both places. Rules don’t have to be exactly the same, but if both parents establish generally consistent guidelines, your children won’t have to bounce back and forth between two different disciplinary environments. Important rules like homework issues, curfews and off-limit activities should be followed in both households. Consistency avoids confusion for your children especially when they are younger.

Discipline

Try to follow similar systems of consequences for broken rules, even if the infraction didn’t happen under your roof.

Schedule

Keep similar schedules as best you can: regular meals, homework and bedtimes can go a long way toward helping your children adjust to both households.

Decisions

Major decisions should be made by both of you, together. Being open, honest, and straightforward about important issues is crucial to your children’s well-being.

Medical needs

You may choose to designate one parent to be the primary contact with healthcare professionals but that parent is then responsible for keeping the other parent “in the loop.”  If at all possible, attend important medical appointments together, so that you can both hear what the doctors have to say and ask any questions you may have.

Education

School plays a major role in maintaining a stable environment for your kids, so be sure to let the schools know about any changes in your family’s situation. Both parents should be informed about class schedules, after-school activities and parent-teacher conferences. When you are both present at school and sports events, be civil with one another. The children will appreciate it and feel that you are both there to support them.

Financial issues

The cost of maintaining two separate households can strain your attempts to be effective co-parents. Set a realistic budget and keep accurate records for shared expenses. Be appreciative rather than resentful if your ex provides opportunities for your children that you cannot provide. The children are the ones who benefit!

Last but not least, whether your children are with you or with your ex-spouse, stay involved, call them on the phone, send postcards if you are traveling, continue to show interest in their lives, school, activities and friends.

Do your children feel secure in their relationships with both of you? If you and your spouse would like to talk about your roles as post-divorce parents, feel free to contact me.

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If you have any questions or concerns about Mediation,
or would like to schedule a no fee mediation consultation ,
please don’t hesitate to contact me today!

jennifer safian
divorce and family mediator

phone: (212) 472-8626
email: js@safianmediation.com
website: www.safianmediation.com

Divorce and Family Mediation
Upper East Side of Manhattan (NYC)
New York, NY

Get Your FREE Copy of Jennifer’s 12 Critical Mistakes to Avoid When Considering a Separation or Divorce!!

One of the most difficult tasks that divorcing parents face is telling their children that they are separating. The following are some guidelines that may help:

• It’s better to wait until you have a parenting plan in place and have figured out where everyone is going to live before you tell the children that you will be separating. The idea of separation may be scary for the children and they need to be reassured among other things as to where they will be living, going to school, if they can still see their friends, and  how they will spend time with each of you. By having those important decisions in place, you can let your children know that things are under control.

• Before broaching the subject of your separation with your children, plan with your spouse what you are going to tell the children. When you do speak to them, both of you should be present. If you need professional help in preparing for this talk, don’t hesitate to ask. Your therapist or your mediator can help you prepare for that conversation.

• A 3-year-old and a 16-year-old will have different reactions to the news of the separation/divorce, so you may choose to speak to each child separately. At the same time, speaking to them together would allow them to give each other support. This is a decision that only you can make as you know your children best.

• You don’t need to share details with your children about the reason for your breakup and please do not say anything that may undermine the other parent. The conversation can start with something like “Mommy and Daddy don’t get along as married people should get along, so we have decided to live separately.”

Explain to your children that sometimes parents and kids can disagree but that does not mean that parents will leave them: parents will never divorce their children and will continue to love them no matter what.

• Assure your children that your breakup is a problem between the two of you as grownups and that it has nothing to do with them. Children can have a tendency to blame themselves for the separation so they may need you to tell them several times about the fact that they are in no way responsible for the breakup.

• Reassure them that you will both continue to love them and take care of them but that now they will have two homes, one with Mommy and one with Daddy.

• Listen to them if they have questions or fears. Always answer their questions as honestly as possible but don’t give them more information than they need. Too many details may bring up unnecessary concerns for them. Encourage them to talk to you if they wish to do so. Be alert that sometimes they may be edging around the issue, afraid to ask a question directly.

• Tell your children that you understand that they are sad but that with time, things will work themselves out.

And most of all

keep playing and laughing with your kids

so that they know there is still happiness in the home.

Do you have any comments on this subject? Please leave them in the Reply box below.

Do you know a friend or colleague whom you feel would find this article relevant?
Please feel free to forward this article to them.

If you have any questions or concerns about Mediation,
or would like to schedule a no fee mediation consultation ,
please don’t hesitate to contact me today!

jennifer safian
divorce and family mediator

phone: (212) 472-8626
email: js@safianmediation.com
website: www.safianmediation.com

Divorce and Family Mediation
Upper East Side of Manhattan (NYC)
New York, NY

Get Your FREE Copy of Jennifer’s 12 Critical Mistakes to Avoid When Considering a Separation or Divorce!!