Fear Part III (A): How to Neutralize the Effects of Fear During Divorce

{4:12 minutes to read} The previous two articles in this series talked about both the negative and the positive aspects of fear. In Part III A & B, let’s take a look at the different fears outlined in Part I and think about how we can start making constructive decisions and plans to resolve them.

How will I live as a single person again?

Remember that even when in a relationship, you are in charge of your own happiness and well-being. It is an illusion to think that your significant other is the source of your happiness. Living alone may not be easy, but you will adapt and you will find a way to build a new life as a single person.

Where will I be living?

The decision about where you will live is in your control and should not be feared. Both practical and financial issues need to be taken into consideration. Location can be chosen depending on commuting time to work, proximity to family and friends and your own lifestyle. If you have children, the location of their school and easy access to both parents is of importance as well. All of these factors and others that may be particular to your specific situation can be taken into account as you work out living arrangements during your mediation sessions.

Will I have enough money to live on?

This is one of the biggest and scariest fears in a divorce. Income that supported one household will now have to support two. Analyzing present expenses and creating a projected budget are a good place to start. These difficult, but long-term beneficial exercises can be done during the mediation process, followed by a conversation to help you make plans that take care of everyone.

Will I have to give away the furnishings or objects that created my home and that are familiar to me?

There will probably have to be some compromises made in dividing up the contents of your home. Fear of losing things should not be a deterrent to moving forward. Sometimes, you may find that the things you care about may not be the same as the ones your ex-spouse cares about, which will immediately neutralize this fear.

Who will take care of me when I am feeling sick or lonely?

Though you may not see it at the time, you do have a network of family/friends that you feel comfortable with and that you can call upon if you feel the need. Friendships are important whether one is single or not. Once you are out of this very difficult marital situation, you may find that space has opened up around you and within you, for new friends and/or relationships to develop.

Am I going to be a single parent? What if my kids blame me for the divorce?

Being a single parent can be daunting, but is not impossible. Mediation will give you the forum to create a parenting plan that will allow you both to stay involved in your children’s upbringing, even though you and your spouse are no longer living together. It is important that as parents you talk to the children together, and let them know that the separation/divorce was a joint decision, and that your relationship with them will not change.

Fears are not restricted to the immediate family unit, but may extend to outside relationships with friends and co-workers. Our next article, How to Neutralize the Effects of Fear (B), will address those concerns.

About
Latest Posts

Jennifer Safian

jennifer safian. divorce and family mediator
divorce and family mediation
upper east side of manhattan (nyc)
new york, ny
(917) 881 5206
jpsafian@gmail.com