Meltdowns during divorce mediation

{2:25 minutes to read} Ram Dass, an American spiritual teacher and psychologist said:

“We often think that vulnerability is a kind of weakness, but there’s a kind of vulnerability that is actually strength and presence.”

People I see in my practice experiencing the pain of divorce, frequently have moments when they become tearful, fearful, or angry, and have what one might call a “meltdown.” I had never heard this word until a young mother once used it to describe her child crying on the street because she did not want to get in the stroller.

“Meltdown” is a good description of what I see in some mediation sessions. In many cases, I will get an apology from one spouse at the end of the meeting, or an email the next day expressing regrets for letting emotions overflow.

When this happens, I try to reassure them that it’s totally normal to show emotions. If they did not feel emotional during these trying times, when would they? Bottling up emotions is not healthy either, and can cause additional pain.

In our society and certainly in the Anglo-Saxon culture, being vulnerable is considered by many as a sign of weakness. But as Ram Dass says, it actually shows strength when one feels comfortable enough to express intense emotions in front of another person, especially someone you know.

While we are not saying that we should use any opportunity to make a spectacle of ourselves, and fall apart at any time, vulnerability shows that we are human. It takes great strength to be able to show our emotions without concern of being judged.

Moreover it’s how we perceive being vulnerable during those moments. If we list our strengths in column A and our weaknesses in column B, most people consider it a shortcoming and would put it in column B. However, vulnerability really deserves to be in column A.

Strong emotions are welcome in my mediation sessions. They help clear the air and allow for more honest discussions, ending in a more satisfactory agreement.

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Jennifer Safian

jennifer safian. divorce and family mediator
divorce and family mediation
upper east side of manhattan (nyc)
new york, ny
(917) 881 5206
jpsafian@gmail.com