13 Signs That Your Marriage May Be in Trouble by Jennifer Safian{5:24 minutes to read}  There are times during a marriage when many of us wonder if we are ready to give up. We are so upset over something said or done that we think we cannot take it one more second. But days later, we calm down and reason with ourselves. We look at the positive aspects of our relationship. We look at our kids and think: ”How can we possibly do that to them?”

The idea of separation or divorce is often so overwhelming that we “soldier on” in a destructive relationship, ignoring clear signs that the marriage is in trouble rather than making the decision to end it.

Some of us make lists of the pros and the cons. We talk to a friend, or to someone who went through a divorce; we see a therapist to help us separate the reality from what we may be creating in our heads.

Some couples come to mediation, not seeking a separation or a divorce, but to try and resolve some of their conflicts with the hope of strengthening the marriage.

Below is a list of signs that point to a troubled relationship. While some may be taking you down a very scary road, with the right help, many can be addressed:

  1. You are angry all the time: Anger will pile up like an insurmountable mountain in your relationship and kill your love.
  2. Frequent character assassination: Name-calling, insults, belittling put-downs, and personal attacks aimed at embarrassing and hurting one another.
  3. Selfishness: Self-centered husbands or wives have partners who feel ignored and neglected, and will eventually want out at any cost.
  4. One or both of you always needs to be right: When your partner is always right and you are always wrong, it feels suffocating. When one’s voice is never heard and respected, marriage turns into a dictatorship and cannot survive.
  5. The conversations are over: You feel disconnected and disengaged from each other. When you are not mentally and emotionally in sync, marriage is an empty and lonely place that partners want to leave.
  6. No compromising on either side in terms of wants and needs: A major part of marriage involves trying to fulfill your partner’s needs while also making sure your own needs are met.
  7. Absence of, or a sudden change in intimacy: A basic human need is not being met.
  8. One spouse refuses to try: If one spouse repeatedly brings up an issue, asks for help and makes it clear that the marriage will not last unless you both commit to solving it, but the other spouse refuses to listen and address the problem.
  9. A lack of respect in the relationship: You can do no right. Every word or action is criticized to the point that you are afraid to talk. When one partner consistently feels dismissed, rejected and condescended to, and the other partner doesn’t see it or refuses to talk about it.
  10. You are no longer a team: If you start moving in separate orbits on everything from parenting to running the household, dealing with money, supporting each other in career and personal ambitions, etc., you are not working together.
  11. Decisions are made unilaterally: One partner is no longer sharing information about a career path, a change in income or personal problems. There has been a huge breakdown in communication.
  12. You are avoiding each other: You look for excuses to bury yourself in a book, your iPhone, or any other minutiae, just to avoid talking.
  13. You argue about the same thing over and over without ever coming to a resolution: Then you move on to something else and let the unresolved question be added to the ever-growing pile of past resentments.

If you are both willing to face things, many of these issues can be overcome. A mediator will help improve communication between the two of you, while a therapist will help you deal with the emotional aspects. The key is that you will need to travel that road together. You may drive at different speeds, but the important thing is that you go in the same direction, willing and committed to the same goals.

Jennifer Safian

Jennifer Safian

jennifer safian. divorce and family mediator
divorce and family mediation
upper east side of manhattan (nyc)
new york, ny
(917) 881 5206
jpsafian@gmail.com
Jennifer Safian

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