Taking the Emotions Out of Your Divorce

{3:30 minutes to read} Take the emotions out of my divorce? Are you nuts?

No, I have not gone out of my mind!

Yes, I do understand that this is one of the most painful events in your life!

No, I am not saying that you have to be indifferent and have no feelings during such traumatic times.

You may be sad, angry, fearful — possibly all of them simultaneously.

You may want to hold on to what you have at times, and at others, run away from it all.

What I actually mean by “taking the emotions out,” relates to your frame of mind when negotiating the financial terms of your divorce. When going through a traumatic event like a divorce and making decisions about your finances, it is better not to operate guided by your emotions, wants, or what you think you deserve. Divorce is definitely an emotionally charged event, but the negotiation of the agreement should really be approached like a business transaction.

Preparation, budgets, and lists of all assets are essential so that people can come to the table with all the information needed to negotiate efficiently and in good faith. Bringing along your anger at your spouse or resentment of the circumstances that brought you to the divorce will only cloud the issue, prolong the negotiation, and take you to a place where you might not want to go. Strong emotions can take over the negotiation, making the situation more difficult, and ending in an agreement that you may later regret. Even worse, they could hijack the entire process and lead you to court.

This is what I mean by taking the emotions out of the divorce; you will have a more constructive discussion if you are both able to leave your emotions at the door and remain composed. It does not mean that you must become an unfeeling person, or that there is anything wrong with you because you are filled with emotions. But during the negotiations, you will serve yourself better by setting aside those feelings and taking a more objective approach.

As your mediator, I will be there to assist you both through the whole process. I will inform you as to what documentation you will need and how you can come to the table better prepared. If needed, we will seek out help from outside professionals, such as accountants or financial experts. If you need additional support, an individual therapist may be a good option for you.

The divorce process is complex and emotionally charged, but keeping your emotions in check by approaching the crafting of the agreement as a business negotiation, especially when it comes to finances, can make this very difficult life transition a little smoother.

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Jennifer Safian

jennifer safian. divorce and family mediator
divorce and family mediation
upper east side of manhattan (nyc)
new york, ny
(917) 881 5206
jpsafian@gmail.com