{2:07 minutes to read} Many people experience a sense of panic and sadness and suddenly get cold feet at the end of their divorce negotiations. It’s not that they don’t want to complete the process, but they are now confronted with the reality of the divorce.

Below is an email I received recently:

Hi Jennifer,

I don’t understand myself. I was the one who initiated the divorce. I think you would agree that my wife and I worked quite well together most of the time throughout the mediation process. At the time of reviewing the Memorandum of Understanding [MOU] that you prepared, I got an overwhelming sense of panic and sadness as we were reading over the decisions we had made. And now I am at a loss as to what to do because I don’t understand my reaction.”

My response:

Dear xxx,

Your reaction is not unusual. People often have a sense of panic just before finalizing their agreement.

You were in a 30-year marriage, and reviewing the MOU is in some ways like reviewing a movie of your life: almost each chapter of the MOU is a scene: the children that you raised, the apartment that you bought together, then the country home, the furniture, the car, the retirement assets that you were building up for the later years, etc. These are all memories of the marriage.

Going through a divorce often brings up conflicting emotions. Somewhere buried within you, there probably are still some good memories of what brought you together and of the good times you shared.

Take a couple of days, talk to your therapist, and then come back to the table. Your emotional state does not mean that you have necessarily changed your mind, but in the mourning process, you may have mixed regrets that your marriage did not turn out as you expected when you said: “I do.”

If at that point you still do not want to go through with a permanent separation, address this with your wife  (after all, it does take “two to tango”) and see where she stands. 

If you or anyone you know needs help in finalizing the last steps of a separation/divorce process, do consider mediation. You can call me at (917) 881-5206 or visit my website www.safianmediation.com. 

Jennifer Safian

Jennifer Safian

jennifer safian. divorce and family mediator
divorce and family mediation
upper east side of manhattan (nyc)
new york, ny
(917) 881 5206
jpsafian@gmail.com
Jennifer Safian

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