{4 minutes to read}  When couples come to my office looking for a separation or a divorce, the reason for their breakup does not need to be discussed unless the parties wish to do so. However, as they start talking through the different issues which need to be resolved, and as they need to make certain decisions, the conversation around money frequently signals that this has been an issue fraught with problems during the marriage.

In this article, I wanted to address some of the issues that come up and hope that some couples might be able to take some of this information with them and have productive conversations before reaching a point of no return. All these points should also be discussed between couples who are planning to get married or move in together.

In all situations, it’s best to have these open and transparent conversations and unload the burden that either of you may be carrying by keeping things undercover.

1. We never discussed finances.

Communication around personal finances is essential: creating budgets together, checking in with each other on purchases, and having a joint account or a joint spreadsheet to track expenses all are necessary so that both parties can have a full understanding of how their money is being spent. How will you share regular household expenses and how will you share unusual expenses? There needs to be full transparency.

2. We don’t know how our partner spends money.

If you have created a budget, if you have taken into consideration the amount of money you each have to spend and find yourself running short before the end of the month, you may wonder if your partner is spending money on expenses that were not accounted for in the original budget. This can be the cause of much tension, and you might start losing trust in the other person. You will need to ask your partner some tough questions to resolve the issue. 

3. We have opposite views on money.

You might have created budgets and tracked your expenses, but your spending philosophy may be quite different. One of you may be a saver and a planner, and the other more of a spender and a risk taker.  One may consider one item a necessity while the other considers it a luxury. This too can lead to tensions and resentment. Try talking things out and make compromises to meet both of your needs. One person may prefer to eat at home and buy more expensive furniture and the other would rather eat out several times a week and save on the furniture.

4. We have a lot of debt.

Debt feels like a never-ending trauma and an ongoing weight on your shoulders that you are unable to extricate yourself from. You may need to pay off credit card debt, school loans, and other liabilities such as a mortgage and a car lease, all of which may prevent you from seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. There is no energy left to think about doing anything else and this can affect your marriage negatively. You must sit together to figure out a payment plan, and debt consolidation plan, and reset your financial priorities together.

If you need help discussing money issues with your partner, please feel free to reach out to me. The mediation process is often a good venue to air out your concerns and express your needs.  You will be able to work creatively and craft long-term plans to help you both move forward.

Jennifer Safian

Jennifer Safian

jennifer safian. divorce and family mediator
divorce and family mediation
upper east side of manhattan (nyc)
new york, ny
(917) 881 5206
jpsafian@gmail.com
Jennifer Safian

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