are you a possibilist?*

{2 minutes to read} Acclaimed mediator, co-founder of Harvard’s Program on Negotiation, and bestselling author William Ury was asked by a friend, “Do you think you could sum up the essence of all you’ve learned in one sentence? What can help us in these times of intense conflict?”

Ury’s answer to the question was recently published in the NY Times. According to him, to “transform our conflicts and navigate these tumultuous times,” three things are needed:

1. A clear perspective:

“Start by stopping.” On the surface that may not make sense, but the problem is not the person in front of us, but rather it is the person on our side of the table, meaning ourselves. Not our angry, reactive person, but a calm, collected person who can think about what they really want and how they can get there.

2. A way out of the conflict:

Our adversaries’ minds are far from ours. They want to fight and be destructive. Instead of pushing them away from us and antagonizing them, we need to attract them. We need to put ourselves in their place, listen to them, and address their needs and concerns while also figuring out how to get some of our needs met.

Listen to them.

3. Lots of help from others:

It’s not just us vs. them. There are many resources around us, which can help us transform the conflict. Families and friends, business colleagues, neighbors, and a community who can help with communication, help create a bridge, and bring the parties closer so that they can find opportunities to transform the toughest and bitterest conflicts into creative negotiations.

Conflicts are Made by Humans so they can be solved by humans. — William Ury

* Where there are obstacles, possibilists look for opportunities. It is a change in mindset. Possibilists aren’t blind to the dark side of human nature. To be a possibilist means to look at the negative possibilities too, but then to use that perspective to motivate us to look for the positive possibilities that avert the worst and bring about the possible.

I have seen how conflict can bring out the worst in us, but it can also bring out the best. — William Ury

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Jennifer Safian

jennifer safian. divorce and family mediator
divorce and family mediation
upper east side of manhattan (nyc)
new york, ny
(917) 881 5206
jpsafian@gmail.com