{3 minutes to read}  A few weeks ago, I read an article in the New York Times by Jancee Dunn where she talks about the work of a couples’ therapist, Terrance Real, and how making assumptions about what the other person is thinking can escalate arguments, distort reality, and create worse problems between you and your partner.

I have observed this happening in all areas of life, including my sessions with couples working out their separation or divorce through mediation.

Imagine this scenario: you are cleaning up the kitchen while your partner is lying on the couch looking at his phone. While you may have asked for help, you were met with silence. You are getting increasingly angry, imagining that he is deliberately ignoring you, thinking, “Life is good. I am relaxing while my wife does everything,” and obviously prioritizing his time over yours. (It turns out that he had his earbuds in and did not hear you!)

Real discusses the feedback wheel, a therapeutic tool created by Janet Hurley using the four-sentence method to help people share grievances in ways that speed the repair process. 

1. This is what I saw or heard.

Describe what happened in one sentence. “Share only the facts — ones a camera could record.” The key to this statement, and the feedback wheel overall, is its brevity.

2. This is what I made up about it.

Explaining your personal point of view “acts as a circuit breaker.” 

Not only does this take the heat off the other person, but it compels you to examine your own emotions. It also helps acknowledge that your perception might be inaccurate. 

3. This is how I felt.

Take a moment to focus on your emotions. Then, describe them concisely to your partner. You might say that you’re scared, hurt, or angry, rather than roll your eyes or walk away. 

4. This is what would help me feel better.

This final statement is one that most people leave out. But clarifying your needs is necessary because “you can’t complain about not getting what you never asked for.” 

By sharing the story you made up, your feelings, and your needs, you are shifting from anger to vulnerability. You express what needs to be said, but it’s done with respect.

Ideally, the other person feels grateful for their partner’s vulnerability rather than guilt-tripped or defensive.

Using these statements with your partner can be a game-changer. Sometimes, our interpretations of the other person’s behavior are so far from reality that as we express them, we may both end up laughing, which breaks the tension.

Jennifer Safian

Jennifer Safian

jennifer safian. divorce and family mediator
divorce and family mediation
upper east side of manhattan (nyc)
new york, ny
(917) 881 5206
jpsafian@gmail.com
Jennifer Safian

Latest posts by Jennifer Safian (see all)