{4 minutes to read} In a previous article “Why Are We Afraid to Discuss Money?” we addressed the fear we may have when talking about finances. In this article, we will outline some small steps that you can take to start having those conversations.

Couples living together make different financial arrangements between them. Some will deposit all of their incomes into a joint account and share all their expenses; others may prefer to use part of their incomes for some shared expenses, and spend the balance of their incomes without having to discuss any of it with their partner.

And then other couples have never really discussed anything specific, not even shared how much they earn, and they make payments as they go. “Sometimes he pays, other times I may pay. It just works out”…until it doesn’t anymore, as life happens: 

  • expenses increase
  • children are born
  • one person spends beyond their means
  • the other one tries to save
  • a sudden loss of job
  • a health issue

Financial stresses start infiltrating the relationship.

If you have not done so already, it is never too soon to engage in the money conversation with your partner and start organizing and planning your financial life. Yes, it’s stressful and scary. 

Here are some baby steps on how to begin the money talk:

1. Make a specific appointment(s) with each other and put aside at least a couple of hours for the discussion.

2. Have your statements for all credit cards and bank accounts, in addition to your bills, paid or pending, easily accessible.

3. Create a spreadsheet, use a budget form template, or use a paper pad, whatever works for you. You can always transfer the information later into a different format.

4. Begin by listing your basic monthly expenses: rent, utilities, phone, cable/internet. Food (at home, take out, and restaurants) clothes, transportation & car expenses, medical premiums not taken out of your paycheck and out-of-pocket medical expenses, entertainment and travel, and different types of insurance are just some of them. And don’t forget the money taken out of the ATM to pay for the daily Starbucks coffee or those after-school snacks for the kids.

5. Once you have gathered and listed all your expenses or what you believe are all your expenses, add them up. (Be kind to yourself if you forget something in the first meeting.) Make a note if other expenses come to mind so that you have them handy for the next meeting.

6. Check your take-home pay and/or any other income available for your daily expenses. Can you afford those expenses? Can you put some money aside for rainy days?

7. Discuss with your partner what your respective goals might be, such as buying a house, traveling, and setting money aside for your retirement and for your children’s college. 

8. You did great in getting started, but make sure to set your next appointment to keep the momentum going. Consider reserving time every month to review your current expenses and see how you are keeping up with your goals.

Mediation offers a great space to have these money conversations. Feel free to reach out to me whether you are planning to be married and want to include your decisions in a prenuptial agreement, you are continuing your lives as a married couple and need help, or you are separating and want to discuss the terms of your divorce, including finances.

If you would like to read our previous article, click here: “Why Are We Afraid to Discuss Money?”

Jennifer Safian

Jennifer Safian

jennifer safian. divorce and family mediator
divorce and family mediation
upper east side of manhattan (nyc)
new york, ny
(917) 881 5206
jpsafian@gmail.com
Jennifer Safian

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