does your inside match your outside?

{5 minutes to read} As you are facing the possibility of a separation and/or divorce, a multitude of questions and very valid concerns will likely run through your mind:

Where will I live?
How will I survive financially?
How will I manage as a single parent?
How will my children get through this?
Will I lose my friends?
Will those friends take the other person’s side?
How will I function as a single person?
No one is going to take care of me now!

Anxiety, sadness, disappointment, anger, embarrassment, loss, fear, betrayal, and panic: these are only some of the emotions that you may have been experiencing for the last many months. Communication between the two of you has likely broken down, and you both probably feel frustrated and misunderstood. While one of you has already decided to end the relationship, the other may still be entertaining hope and needing more time to adjust to possible separation.

Whether you initiated the idea of separating or your spouse asked you for a divorce, you may recognize some of these feelings. At times, you may also have conflicting feelings: when tensions arise and incomprehension is at its highest, you want out, then perhaps things calm down, and you find yourself thinking that “it’s not so bad”.

Maybe we will get through this and work things out
We must try for the sake of our children
We made a life commitment to each other and want to honor our promise.

As you try to rationalize your decision to prolong, and perhaps tolerate the present situation, take a moment to reflect on whether your “inside is matching your outside,” whether you are following your deeper wishes, or trying to rationalize and make the best of the situation.

Statistics say that following the death of a loved one, divorce is the second most stressful crisis people go through. Divorce is, in fact — a letting go, and it requires a form of mourning: mourning for the dream you had built together. As you consider the path of a separation, whether a trial separation or a divorce, remember that you both need to adjust to this new path: one of you may be further down the path and has already mourned his or her loss, while the other one is still struggling to understand.

At these highly emotional times, the adversarial system of divorce attorneys and litigation beckons, making people believe they will be taken care of during this period when they feel weakened and unable to think clearly. Some people also believe hiring a lawyer is a way to take revenge on the other person, to get things moving faster, and to get all they want and/or deserve. Unfortunately, the adversarial nature of litigation is a long process, drags out, is most often hurtful, and all too frequently becomes a costly battle where all parties end up more wounded than when they began. A legal battle will not help you deal with your emotions.

With the help of a neutral professional, mediation offers you the place to discuss things and make your own decisions together about your separation, your children, finances, property, and how to go forward with your lives.

Get information about separation or divorce, or if you think you need legal advice, have a short consultation with a divorce professional. If your spouse is ready to move on, and you are not, explain that you need a little time but understand that he or she will not wait indefinitely.

While one of you may think that you are wasting time by not starting a legal action “now,” the time that you take for each of you to let your inside match your outside will prove to be beneficial as you will both be in a better place to make your life decisions together.

Separation and/or divorce can be a turbulent and confusing transition, but I’ve helped many couples just like you successfully navigate this process through mediation, and come out the other side, whole and able to move forward with their lives. I stand ready to help you do the same.

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Jennifer Safian

jennifer safian. divorce and family mediator
divorce and family mediation
upper east side of manhattan (nyc)
new york, ny
(917) 881 5206
jpsafian@gmail.com