how to best help friends going through a divorce

{3 minutes to read} Finding out about a friend’s upcoming divorce can be very shocking from your point of view:

•We never suspected things were so bad.

•How could we have missed the signs?

•Why did they not say anything sooner?

•When did they decide to do this?

What do you say? How can you help? Here are a few suggestions:

•Listen: Listening to your friend is one of the best things you can do. Your friends do not necessarily need answers from you; they simply want to be heard. They need to vent, so if they repeat themselves, it’s ok.

•Don’t press for details: Some people would rather not share some things, or may not be ready to share them, and we need to respect their privacy.

•Do not say anything negative about the other spouse: It’s best to keep your judgment out of the conversation. Your friend may be very angry today and feel differently tomorrow. They may not share the positive with you if you previously trashed their spouse.

•Do not offer advice: Giving unsolicited advice based on other people’s terrible divorces might be counterproductive. I once had a client who moved money from the joint account to her personal account because her friend told her to put aside a cushion for herself. This not only antagonized the other party but was irrelevant to the outcome of the asset division. In New York State, marital money is still marital money, whether in a joint account or a single name account.

•Let the professionals give them advice: Whether an attorney, a mediator, or a therapist, it is best that they get help from a professional.

•Offer practical help: Pick up the children from school, or take them out for a few hours; pick up groceries, run errands, or drop off a meal. If they are moving, help them pack or just be with them while they pack.

•Ask them how you can be of help: Your friends may have needs that you cannot anticipate, so it’s important to ask.

•Do something fun: Offer to take a walk together, go to a movie, or go out to dinner. Keep inviting them even if they often decline.

•Be there for the long term: Some friends will rush in when they hear the news, but after a while, they fade away. Your soon-to-be single friend may be single and lonely for a while and will welcome your support.

These are just some suggestions of things you can do for your friends going through a divorce. If you have any ideas, or ways that you have helped a friend through this difficult time, please feel free to share them below so that others can benefit. Thank you.

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Jennifer Safian

jennifer safian. divorce and family mediator
divorce and family mediation
upper east side of manhattan (nyc)
new york, ny
(917) 881 5206
jpsafian@gmail.com