how to face the hardest talks

{4 minutes to read} When you are in the midst of a conflict, whether with a colleague, a friend, family, or a spouse or if you are going through a separation or a divorce, oftentimes you feel trapped by your anger. In fact, sometimes you just avoid having a conversation with that other person altogether.

I came across an article published in the Wall Street Journal titled “How to Face the Hardest Talks” in which Elizabeth Bernstein interviews Christopher Voss, a former hostage negotiator for the FBI. I suggest that you read the whole article but if you are not able to do so, here are some of the essential points:

•How do you prepare yourself for a difficult conversation?

Most people don’t realize that unbeknownst to them, they already mentally prepare for a difficult conversation. The most common preparation is anger, but by imagining yourself using a calm voice, you will help yourself stay calm. At the same time rewire yourself for gratitude. The brain is more effective when we are in a positive frame of mind.

•Should you have a goal?

Yes. Listen to what the other person has to say and summarize their perspective for them, especially the negative. Don’t try to dispute or deny their point of view. By doing this, you have the power to make them feel heard, make them feel good and understood, and you will start making a connection with them.

•How do you start the conversation?

Articulate the other person’s point of view whether you think their perception is fair or not. When you identify their negative emotion, that negative feeling diminishes, and tension is reduced.

•How do you deal with your anger?

Making the effort to allow the other person to feel heard will lessen your anger.

•What are the pitfalls to avoid?

Don’t try to explain things to them. They will take it personally, feeling that you think that they just don’t understand or that they are not smart. Just calmly listen to what they have to say. Shut down the voice in your head that is already creating a reply before they have even finished speaking.

•How to move forward?

Once they feel heard, ask them how to move forward. This way you shift the focus to them and are not seen as combative.

•What if they become irate?

Using a soothing and supportive tone of voice when you speak will help impact their mood and calm them down. Remember, anger begets anger. Shouting begets shouting.

•Should you apologize?

Yes, an apology should precede negative information. They will feel better able to hear it than if you spring the negative on them with no preparation.

•What do you do if there is a stalemate?

This is a game-changing move. Do not try to get the last word in because usually, that’s when the last word is a “cheap shot.” The last impression is the one that we all remember. Saying something positive will encourage the other person to think about it and return with a possible compromise.

Whether you are going through a separation or a divorce, or if you are in a conflict with someone close to you, the mediation setting can offer a safe place to have these difficult conversations, and find some resolution. Feel free to reach out to us if you would like support and help.

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Jennifer Safian

jennifer safian. divorce and family mediator
divorce and family mediation
upper east side of manhattan (nyc)
new york, ny
(917) 881 5206
jpsafian@gmail.com