the science of reasoning with unreasonable people

{2 minutes to read}

Have you ever tried to convince someone that your position is better than their position?

How did that work out?

In an article published in The New York Times on January 31, 2021, Adam Grant, an organizational psychologist at the Wharton School writes about the best way to approach those who think differently than you do.

“If you listen to people and call attention to the nuances of people’s own thinking, they become less extreme and more open in their views.”

Here are some of my takeaways from this article:

In addressing others:

Asking them open-ended questions and letting them elaborate on their positions rather than telling them why they are wrong
Not arguing and trying to convince them of the validity of your position — this often backfires and will make them shut down further
Listening to them and mirror back to them what they are saying
Getting them to talk about why they feel the way they feel
Giving them confidence about making changes; some people may feel ambivalent about changing because they are afraid to lose their footing

In working on oneself:

Allowing yourself to develop a relationship with the other person where you are not presenting yourself as the expert, but discussing an issue as equals, sharing knowledge, and exchanging ideas
Being open to rethinking
Being more accepting of other people’s differences
It’s not about manipulating people to move them to your side of the table
It’s about understanding their goals
Discovering that their position may have as much validity as your own

The author writes that “he no longer wants to change people’s minds. He wants to understand their thinking and ask if they are open to rethinking.”

If you would like to read the entire article, click here.

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Jennifer Safian

jennifer safian. divorce and family mediator
divorce and family mediation
upper east side of manhattan (nyc)
new york, ny
(917) 881 5206
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