Celebrating Children's Birthdays Post-Divorce by Jennifer Safian{5 minutes to read}  Celebrating our children’s birthdays post-divorce can often create some practical and logistical issues as well as a lot of emotional stress. As parents, however, we need to remember that this is a special day for our children and put ourselves, our egos and our priorities to the side.

Parents celebrate these birthdays in many different ways. Here are some of the most frequently asked questions that have come up during mediation sessions:

  • Which day? Most parents agree to celebrate their children’s birthdays together. Depending on the date, they may not be able to have a party on “the day of,” and will need to find a date convenient for all.
  • How do we celebrate the children on the day of their birthday? If the planned party could not be scheduled on “the day,” parents will often also want to have a celebration on the actual day of the birthday. This celebration can be a family dinner, or just a cake, with both parents and the children in attendance. Decide with the other parent how you will handle this day, and if you will share this time together.
  • Who plans? Parents should decide in advance who will do the planning. If one parent is usually the planner, it might be easier to just let that parent take the lead.

If you both want to plan, consider taking turns on a yearly basis. If there are several children, one parent may plan the birthday for one child and the other parent for another child. The following year, you can switch.

  • How much do we spend? If expenses are shared between the parents, set an amount in advance that you are both comfortable with. That will give the planner the ability to make decisions within that preset budget. Any expense over the budget should be agreed upon between parents before going ahead with the additional expenses. In a family of more than one child, parents can also take turns paying for each of the children’s celebrations.
  • Who to invite? It is best to decide in advance who will be at the party. Will it just be for the child’s friends? Will grandparents or other relatives be included? What about step-parents and/or step-siblings?
  • What about the gifts? Again, advance planning can be helpful. Will you give the child separate gifts, or buy a joint gift? Frequently, if the gift is of importance, parents will agree to split the cost and make it a joint gift.
  • Where will the children sleep on the day of their birthday? Parents often compete as to where the child will sleep on the actual day of the birthday. To avoid conflict, many parents opt to leave the routine overnight schedule as is, knowing that their turn will come when the child is at their house on the night of the birthday.
  • Do we involve the children in the planning? If the children are of an age where they can have a say in their celebrations, do give them that opportunity.  Get their input as to what kind of party they may want, which friends they want to invite, and listen to other ideas they may have.

Do not make your child the go-between.

Be mindful at all times that planning your children’s birthday parties, or buying your children’s birthday gifts, is not a competition between the parents. The last thing we want is to make the children upset on their special day because their parents are too preoccupied with their own needs. Remember that the children will not love you more because your party is grander, or your gift more expensive.

If you have any suggestions as to how you have successfully celebrated your children’s birthdays post-divorce, please feel free to share them here below.

Jennifer Safian

Jennifer Safian

jennifer safian. divorce and family mediator
divorce and family mediation
upper east side of manhattan (nyc)
new york, ny
(917) 881 5206
jpsafian@gmail.com
Jennifer Safian

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