Parent's divorce or spouse's divorce: it’s all in how we say it by Jennifer Safian

{3 minutes to read} 

 James was brought in to see a child psychologist by his mother: “I am very sad,” he said, “because my parents are getting divorced.”

The therapist responded: “Your parents are not getting divorced, the spouses are getting divorced.”

James was not quite sure what to make of this answer so the therapist explained to him, that, as parents, they were going to be available to him and to his sister in the same way as they had always been available to them prior to the separation, even though the relationship between them as spouses was changing:

    • They would participate together in all their school and/or extra curricular events, in the same way as they used to.
    • For their sports events, sometimes they would go together, and sometimes one or the other parent would take them.
    • For all their activities, they would always coordinate who would be taking them or picking them up.
    • They should feel free to discuss all of their needs with either parent, or with both of them, and the parents would make sure that everything was taken care of.

It took a moment and several examples for James to understand the message that his therapist was trying to convey to him, but he left the session feeling more encouraged. He was the one who actually related this conversation to his mother.

It is true that in everyday life, children say “my parents are getting divorced or are divorced” because for them, the reality is that they are living between two homes, their mother’s and their father’s. When they spend time at one parent’s home, the other parent is not present. 

Although the therapist’s response could be interpreted as just a play on words, she was really trying to redirect the child’s perception of the situation, and explain to him that his parents will remain his parents no matter what happened between them as spouses, and no matter where they lived.

We can all redirect some of our thoughts by using different words, and looking at a circumstance from  another angle. That alternative slant may change our outlook and our emotional reaction to the situation.

Divorce vocabulary evolves. I don’t talk about a parent’s visitation schedule anymore, rather about a parenting schedule, as I don’t believe that a parent is a visitor to their child. In the same way, I know that from now on, because it makes so much sense to me, I will maintain the notion of divorce between the “spouses,” and modify the way I discuss divorce when there are children involved.

Jennifer Safian

Jennifer Safian

jennifer safian. divorce and family mediator
divorce and family mediation
upper east side of manhattan (nyc)
new york, ny
(917) 881 5206
jpsafian@gmail.com
Jennifer Safian

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