A parenting schedule? Hmm, we’ll figure it out later . . .

{3:30 minutes to read} Robert and Chris had mediated their divorce a few years back. They had agreed that since Chris was moving away to another part of the country, it would be in the children’s best interest to stay in their home with Robert and remain at the same school.

Robert and Chris had not included any specific plans in their settlement agreement as to when, where, and for how long Chris would have the children every year. The document just said that the children would be spending a large part of their summers with Chris, in addition to some other times during other school vacations. The parents had recurring monthly arguments about these plans and became angrier and angrier with each other as time went by.

Their divorce document did state, however, that in the case of a dispute between the parents that they could not resolve on their own, they would attend a couple of mediation sessions to try and work out their differences, avoiding as best they could the litigation route.

When I first met with Robert and Chris, the enormous resentment that had built up due to their inability to resolve their vacation plans, quickly became apparent. This resentment also brought up other conflicts beyond the vacation schedules. Chris wanted the children to move across country to live with her so that she could become the primary custodial parent and receive child support from Robert.

To top it all off, the children, now 10- and 14-years old, were caught in the middle. Their parents were each asking them with whom they wanted to live, and reporting to the other parent that the children wanted to be with them.

How can parents avoid escalating a conflict that will be detrimental to the children??

First and foremost, the children should not be put in the middle, and asked to choose between their parents, especially at such a young age. It is not fair to put the burden on the children because as parents you are unable to work out your differences.

When negotiating the initial legal separation, if the children are under college age, parents need to put in place a well structured parenting plan. This plan should include dates, times, how, when, and where each parent will have the children, and how parents will share expenses for the children. That way everyone is clear on what is going to happen and when.

If you have chosen the “we’ll figure it out later” path, and things are not going well, the build up of anger and resentment will make it much harder to negotiate a modification of your original agreement.

This story is a perfect real life example of why “We’ll figure it out later” is not a good option when parents are going through a separation or a divorce.

If you, or someone you know, needs help with a parenting plan, feel free to reach out to me.

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Jennifer Safian

jennifer safian. divorce and family mediator
divorce and family mediation
upper east side of manhattan (nyc)
new york, ny
(917) 881 5206
jpsafian@gmail.com