“i know what you’re thinking!”

{4 minutes to read} Rachel Moheban-Wachter, a therapist on my team, discusses an issue many of us are guilty of, and which often causes unnecessary conflict. For example:

Husband: Honey, do you want me to go with you to the doctor?

Wife: No, you don’t need to. I am fine going alone. It’s not an important visit this time.

H: Ok

Next day, the Wife is very upset and constantly snapping at her Husband.

H: What’s wrong?

W: I am really hurt that you did not come with me to the doctor. Didn’t you know that I was very anxious about this visit?

H: How would I know? I am not a mind reader. I asked you if you wanted me to go with you and you said no.

W: I thought that you asked me but I sensed that you really did not want to go, so that is why I said no.

H: Why would you think that? Did you think you could read my mind?

A big fight ensued, and ongoing resentment went on for many days. Had each party clearly expressed what they had on their minds, none of this would have happened.

I Know What You Are Thinking

The idea that we know what our partner is thinking before we give them a chance to express it is a powerful one and runs through many of the ways we undermine ourselves in our interpersonal relationships.

For one thing, we may just be wrong, in which case we have launched into a diatribe based on underlying information that is completely incorrect. This also undermines our own credibility when we want to make a point.

In the context of a relationship, thinking we know what is on the other person’s mind can trigger emotions and potentially cause tension. It’s as if we are saying: “I know you better than you know yourself.”

Even if we are right, there is value in letting others express themselves, in their own words. It is empowering. To be cut off and told what we think by somebody else is just the opposite.

Don’t Assume Your Partner Can Read Your Mind

When we are trying to make a point, we have a certain intent in mind. We are attempting to convey a particular sentiment with a specific emotion attached to it. We have full clarity in our minds of the overall message which we want to deliver.

Our partners, however, don’t have the slightest idea what we are feeling in that moment, or what we are trying to communicate. It is unwise to assume that they do.

Relationship Advice

Our partners bring their own biases to the table. We all do, so when we make our point in a discussion, we need to ensure that it landed the way we intended it to. Forming conclusions based on incomplete or incorrect evidence is a recipe for disaster.

We cannot assume our partner knows what we mean just because it was clear in our own mind. Our partner is no better at reading our mind than we are at reading theirs.

Rachel Moheban-Wachter gives us important advice on how to control our mind-reading in our relationships: “Take the time to listen to your partner instead of assuming that you already know better. In this way, everyone can feel heard and validated.”

Please join me in practicing this exercise by making a point not to assume what the other person is thinking. I believe we can all benefit from that.

If you are in the midst of a conflict and need help resolving it, give me a call. In mediation, we will help you hear the other person as well as communicate your feelings.

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Jennifer Safian

jennifer safian. divorce and family mediator
divorce and family mediation
upper east side of manhattan (nyc)
new york, ny
(917) 881 5206
jpsafian@gmail.com