{4 minutes to read}  Creating a parenting schedule for divorcing spouses is not an easy task when each of them wants to have the children for as much time as possible. Parents can agree on a primary custodial parent who will have the children on more overnights than the non-custodial parent, or they can opt for a 50/50 schedule and each of them has equal time with the children.  

The 50/50 model offers many possibilities such as a 7-7 schedule where the children spend seven consecutive days with each parent. Or a 2-2-3? Or perhaps a 5-2-2-5 schedule? No one model is better than another. 

It’s really up to the parents to figure out what is best for their family. They may try one plan and then switch to another until they find the right one for them. Some children may have a harder time moving every couple of nights; others may prefer seeing both parents more frequently. Distance between the two homes and proximity to the schools may also be factored into the decision. 

What becomes more problematic is when parents are so intent on not letting the other have one more hour with the children than with them, that every extra hour becomes a reason for a battle. 

Are these reasons for the War of the Roses?

  • A business dinner which prevents one parent from picking up the children on their day
  • A parent who has the children on a three-day weekend, and asks to keep them until the next day because Monday is a holiday
  • A parent who books a return flight one day later than the last day of their vacation time because fares are cheaper
  • A child who gets sick and cannot leave his bed for a couple of days 

Do they really think that a child can be cut down the middle like a bagel? 

  • One parent claims that the arrangement is not fair; that they lost out. 
  • One parent offers to give up their weekend to make up for lost time, but then the other parent will get three consecutive weekends, and that does not feel fair either.
  • How can they compensate for missed times?
  • How can they keep track of those infinite, small events that they believe break the 50/50 agreement they signed up for?

Is this too much love for the children? A need to win? Or a heightened sense of unfairness as they feel that they are always the one to give in? 

Children are not tracking the number of hours they spend with each parent, whether they are awake or asleep. They want to feel free to love both parents and be loved by both as well. They want everyone to be happy spending time together. The last thing they want is to be the cause of their parent’s tantrums. 

Co-parenting and sharing time with your children requires effort and understanding. It also requires flexibility and a capacity to flow with the circumstances. In the mediation setting, we can help you come up with a parenting plan that works for you and your family.

Jennifer Safian

Jennifer Safian

jennifer safian. divorce and family mediator
divorce and family mediation
upper east side of manhattan (nyc)
new york, ny
(917) 881 5206
jpsafian@gmail.com
Jennifer Safian

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