can conflict be a positive force for change?

Conflict can be seen as a gift of energy, in which neither side loses and a new dance is created — Thomas Crum

When we are in a conflict, we all experience great stress and anxiety. We often feel “stuck,” unable to work through the conflict and resolve it. What seems to be the problem is often just a mask for a deeper issue. For example, many conflicts seem to arise around money, but the money may only be the surface, while the actual conflict is about some other deep emotional upset.

In my practice, I have mediated a few cases involving disputes between siblings over the care of an elderly parent, or the estate of a recently deceased parent. In reality, the conflict may be a resurgence of old childhood rivalries, or about one child feeling that the parent preferred their sibling. These disputes often end up in fights over material things but those are just the cover.

In some families going through a divorce, spouses will use the money or even the children, to get revenge over issues of control, or feelings of hurt. Sadly, the reality is that getting the money or the children will not erase these hurts.

The Positive Side of Conflict

Conflict stimulates brainstorming and finding solutions at times when you think there is no solution. It creates an opportunity to challenge yourself, learn about yourself, and in doing so, to grow.

Successfully managing a conflict together can bring the parties a sense of success and well-being, as they find a solution to a long-term, ongoing dispute which has been taking the best out of all of them.

So if you are in a conflict, try to take a deep breath and step back. By doing this, you may realize that the conflict could be an opportunity to try and repair some of the pain of the past. And if the other parties are not willing to do this, don’t give up on yourself. Take that deep breath anyway and step back. This will give you a little perspective, and surprisingly, by changing your own perspective, you may influence how others will react.

Can you remember a situation where you were in conflict with someone and you were able to work out a solution?

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Jennifer Safian

jennifer safian. divorce and family mediator
divorce and family mediation
upper east side of manhattan (nyc)
new york, ny
(917) 881 5206
jpsafian@gmail.com