not looking to divorce? here are 13 habits to avoid

While most of my practice is related to divorce mediation, I never encourage people to get divorced. Divorce cannot be taken lightly and requires much thought, so when I first meet with couples, I always ask them if they have given themselves every chance to work things out together, and gone to marriage counseling.

I happened upon an article written by Carolyn Steber for the online magazine Bustle which singles out 13 habits that couples should try to avoid if they are working towards strengthening their relationship with one another.

Not Having Arguments:

I know this may sound strange, but couples who don’t argue are kind of unhealthy. That’s because arguments offer a perfect opportunity to air your grievances, vent your frustrations, and make each other happy again.

Not arguing can also be a sign that one or both of you has checked out, which is not a good sign. Instead of saying ‘I need some time’ or ‘I’m not in a good place to have this discussion right now,’ they simply disengage. These are signs that a person may have given up.

Making It Personal

If you’re occasionally arguing with your partner, consider your relationship normal and healthy. But take note if things get personal or very mean-spirited during your fights. As arguments move from ‘I don’t like what you are doing or saying,’ to ‘I don’t like you,’ the relationship disagreements could become far more toxic.

Having Unreasonable Expectations

Many couples go into marriage with unreasonable expectations. Some think it’ll be a cure-all for the problems they had while dating, while others think exchanging rings means all the hard work is done. When they settle in to working, paying bills, buying a home, plotting a strategy for their future, and possibly raising children, it’s often not the fairytale they thought it would be.

Not Making Intimacy A Priority

While every couple goes through a dry spell or two — especially if there’s a health issue involved — it’s so important to make intimacy a priority. If you don’t, that lack of passion and connection can lead to a breakup.

Not Allowing Themselves To Go “All-In”

Some people actually fear losing their identity in marriage, so they intentionally hold back from emotionally investing too much of themselves. There’s no way to only be “half-in” when it comes to marriage. If you aren’t fully invested, you’ll feel disconnected.

Stop Trying

Just because things are official doesn’t mean you can kick back and stop trying. It would be like getting a job and slacking off after the probation period.

Not Thinking of Yourselves As Partners

While it’s perfectly fine (and healthy) to maintain your individuality in a marriage, thinking of yourselves as separate isn’t smart.

Harboring Resentment

It’s impossible to have a healthy marriage if one or both of you are harboring resentment, and years of living in close quarters, seeing each other’s worst selves, and causing myriad small hurts can leave people contemptuous of their partners.

Not Communicating

Couples headed for divorce often find themselves there because they didn’t work on their problems, or because they chose to confide in someone outside the relationship. Constant communication is necessary if you want a healthy marriage, so don’t fall into these traps.

Not Trusting Each Other

Trust issues can crop up for a multitude of reasons, and they can take time to work through — and sometimes even require some outside help from a therapist. If you two can’t fix things, the relationship is unlikely to work.

Jumping To Conclusions

If you want to avoid the wrong kind of fights — the ones that can lead to a breakup — then don’t jump to conclusions. Marriage is all about putting yourself in your partner’s shoes and being selfless, not selfish. By jumping to conclusions, you’re assuming the worst and being distrustful.

Being Immature

While everyone’s entitled to the occasional bad mood, being snarky and immature is yet another habit that can land you in Divorceville. Whether you are married or in a committed relationship, it’s important to keep your cool and maintain a safe environment for open communication. If you are unable to be sensitive to your partner’s needs and concerns, your relationship will hit a dead end as communication closes off.

Taking Each Other For Granted

After you’ve been married a while, you might start taking for granted the fact that your husband makes you coffee every morning, or the fact that your wife knows just how to cheer you up. But the moment you stop appreciating each other is the moment things go downhill. Marriage takes a lot of work, so it’s important not to kick back and fall into these traps, since they can pave the road to divorce.

While these are all important habits to watch for, there may be others that we should avoid for a long term and positive relationship. Please feel free to share with us below any other points which may be helpful to our readers.

About
Latest Posts

Jennifer Safian

jennifer safian. divorce and family mediator
divorce and family mediation
upper east side of manhattan (nyc)
new york, ny
(917) 881 5206
jpsafian@gmail.com