Please, Mom and Dad, leave us out of your disagreements with each other! Don’t ask us to be your go-betweens! Grow up!

{3 minutes to read}  20 years after their divorce, Paul and Nancy were still competing over time with their three adult children, all of whom are in their late 20s. On the day of their arrival, Nancy had planned lunch with the children, who were rarely all in town at the same time. They had flown in for a business meeting with Paul the next day.

No specific plans had been made for dinner on that first night, or at least that was what the children thought. Nancy assumed that they would all have dinner together to celebrate one daughter’s birthday. Paul had also mentioned dinner to one of the children for that same night and expected them to meet up with him later that day.

The children, realizing that both parents expected to be with them, felt caught in the middle. Trying to salvage the situation, the children suggested to both parents that they all have dinner together. Neither parent wanted to be in the presence of the other, and each of them gave reasons to their children to justify why they should be the only parent to take them to dinner.

The evening ended up being a very unhappy one for all. The children decided together that they would go with their mother since they were going to spend the whole next day with their father, and asked their father to join them. The parents stuck to their positions and everyone ended up having a miserable evening and holding grudges.

The next day, the father and the 3 children were scheduled for a meeting in my office to discuss other issues but one of the birthday dinners took up a large part of the session.

“We can’t believe that you and Mom are divorced 20 years and still cannot get your act together. Honestly, we would rather not see either of you than be subjected to your nonsense!”

Many divorced parents believe that once the children are grown, they should be able to manage their relationship with each parent separately and transmit messages from one parent to the other without difficulty.

The truth is, whether they are young or adult and whether the divorce occurred yesterday or 20 years ago, children never want to be caught in the middle of their parents’ disputes. They never want to have to choose between their parents or make decisions which would upset either parent, and they certainly don’t want to act as mediators between them.

Parents need to be mindful at all times that they have to unburden their children from these tasks and not use them to get back at the other parent.

Jennifer Safian

Jennifer Safian

jennifer safian. divorce and family mediator
divorce and family mediation
upper east side of manhattan (nyc)
new york, ny
(917) 881 5206
jpsafian@gmail.com
Jennifer Safian

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