{3 minutes to read}  When separating/divorcing couples or family members reach out to me for a consultation about the mediation process, they often ask “what happens if we get stuck?” It is not unusual for people to become deadlocked, especially if they have strong views about a particular issue: 

  • One parent wants Joanie to have five extracurricular activities while the other thinks two is enough.
  • Both parties want for themselves an asset such as the country house or a specific art piece which they purchased together on a trip or received as a gift.
  • The parties may disagree over a financial issue or resource.

Even when couples are trying to move forward with their lives, they can reach an impasse if neither of them is willing to “give in” and/or agree to go along with the other party’s position. While there are several approaches that can be taken, the most important requirement is that both parties fully invest in finding a solution. If one party is consciously or unconsciously resisting the process, it will be harder to come to an agreement. They may be fearful of making an unwise decision, afraid of the future, or even resistant to the divorce, and so they “dig in their feet” regarding an issue.

Why are they being so adamant about this particular matter? A story is told about a couple who had actually worked out all of their decisions and divided all their belongings except for a single orange that they both wanted. After much back and forth between the parties about the orange, the mediator asked each of them why the orange was so important. One party liked to bake and wanted the rind of the orange to use in his cakes, while the other just liked oranges and wanted to enjoy the flesh of the fruit. Once they both understood where the other person was coming from, they were able to come to an agreement.

In the mediation setting, parties will brainstorm together to find alternate options:

  1. They may find a solution that combines some of what each of them wants.
  2. One person may choose to give up on one issue in order to get what they want on another.
  3. Regarding an asset, they might agree to trade one for another even if the dollar value isn’t exactly the same. 
  4. When discussing parenting differences, maintaining the focus on the best interest of the child, and putting the parents’ own needs aside will certainly bring them closer to a resolution.

There are many ways for couples to find solutions and make decisions with which they can both live. With some effort and goodwill on the part of both parties and, with good support and guidance from the mediator, these couples will usually discover the solutions themselves.

Do you need help getting unstuck? Feel free to reach out for help.

Jennifer Safian

Jennifer Safian

jennifer safian. divorce and family mediator
divorce and family mediation
upper east side of manhattan (nyc)
new york, ny
(917) 881 5206
jpsafian@gmail.com
Jennifer Safian

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