when going through divorce — anger may be justified, but is not productive

“The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new.”

— Socrates

{3 minutes to read} This is actually a quote from a character named Socrates in Way of the Peaceful Warrior: A Book that Changes Lives, by Dan Millman.

As I read this quote, I specifically thought about some of my separating or divorcing couples who come to mediation to get help as they make many important decisions on custody and parenting, division of their assets, financial support, and other issues they may be concerned about. In occasional instances, rather than trying to look forward and preparing for the future, they get “stuck” in a place which prevents them from making any progress at all. They are angry at each other for past grievances and in doing so, they don’t realize that they are closing themselves off to the future and new possibilities/openings/adventures that may be around the corner for them.

I once heard a soon-to-be ex-husband whisper under his breath to his wife during a mediation session: “From now on, it will only be war between us!” I was saddened to hear this. Who is this person hurting the most, but himself? Holding on to anger will weaken him emotionally and physically, leaving him long-term even more hurt than the person at which he is directing his anger.

Separation and divorce are very stressful transitions and cannot be taken lightly. It is very hard to break up after sharing many years of your life with someone. No one is denying this, but too much negative energy is wasted arguing, crying, and rehashing previous scenarios which can no longer be changed. Dwelling on the past just tears down the future before you can even start building it up again.

Anger may be justified at times, but it is not productive. Letting go of that anger is an important step towards relieving your pain and in doing so, you can finally give yourself a chance to open up to the future. We must find ways to come to terms with our anger, whether by ourselves or by seeking professional help.

A wise man was asked:

What is anger?

He gave a beautiful response:

It is a punishment you give to yourself for somebody else’s mistakes.

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Jennifer Safian

jennifer safian. divorce and family mediator
divorce and family mediation
upper east side of manhattan (nyc)
new york, ny
(917) 881 5206
jpsafian@gmail.com