when your stepchild cries “I hate you!”

{4 minutes to read} It is no secret that bringing new partners into an existing parent-child relationship presents challenges. In blended families, parents and stepparents alike need to navigate these waters successfully and make room for the child’s emotions by momentarily setting aside their own.

If you are in a blended family, you might want to take the time to listen to the entire podcast as two therapists advise a woman named Priscilla on how to handle her relationship with her boyfriend’s children.

Background Story

Priscilla is divorced and has no children. Her boyfriend has a six-year-old girl and an eight-year-old boy from his first marriage who are frequently present when Priscilla stays over at the house. While her relationship with the eight-year-old is quite comfortable, her interactions with the girl — according to Priscilla — are rocky at least 75% of the time. The child goes from asking Priscilla to play with her, cuddling with her and telling her that she loves her, to yelling “I hate you” minutes later. She refuses to eat Priscilla’s “crappy grilled cheese sandwich” and at times tells Priscilla she is “fat” when compared to her mother.

Priscilla is hurt and at a total loss on how to handle this child. She also admits that this interaction is negatively affecting her relationship with her boyfriend.

Therapists’ Analysis of the Situation and Recommendation

With the help of the therapists, Priscilla was able to step back and look at the family dynamics:

•The child’s mother has refused to meet with Priscilla, and in fact, has never communicated with her since Priscilla started spending more time with her children. Whether instinctively or because her mother has told her, the child knows that her mother does not want Priscilla in her life.

•Although the girl does have fun times with Priscilla, at the same time, she might be feeling that she is being disloyal to her mother. Being aggressive with Priscilla, which in her mind means aligning herself with her mother, might give her the freedom to enjoy times with Priscilla.

•A six-year-old child is not able to fully understand or control her own emotions and reactions, so she is probably quite confused when her mother sends negative messages about Priscilla.

Among other constructive recommendations, the therapists suggested that Priscilla and the father bring into their conversations the existence of the mother in the child’s life, rather than pretend that she is not there; they could even allude to her mother’s delicious grilled cheese sandwiches. They also advised that the father should step in to help with the situation. One thing he could do is tell the child that she does not have to like Priscilla but that she must be kind and respectful of her at all times.

If you are in a blended family and experiencing difficulties dealing with your stepchildren, please consult a professional who can help you look at and understand the family dynamics from all sides. Mediation also offers you a safe space to discuss all issues with the various members of your families, and work as a team to help your children and stepchildren adapt to the many changes they may be encountering.

Jennifer Safian

jennifer safian. divorce and family mediator
divorce and family mediation
upper east side of manhattan (nyc)
new york, ny
(917) 881 5206
jpsafian@gmail.com