Preserving Your Parental Relationship Through Mediation

{3:54 minutes to read} Brad and his wife Claire had decided to divorce, and Brad paid his attorney a large retainer to file the divorce action. But when he told his wife, she proposed they resolve their divorce through mediation. Brad called me and was wondering whether they could come to mediation even though he had already filed. I told him he could. (See my two previous articles: Do We File for Divorce Before Starting Mediation? and Filing the Divorce Action)

Even though he knew that the adversarial process could make their relationship even more antagonistic, take longer, and be expensive, he was also concerned that the mediation process was not for them. He thought that, because of the existing stress in their relationship, they would not have the capacity to have a civil conversation and make joint decisions. I suggested that they come in for one or two mediation sessions and then decide if this was the right process for them. If it was not, they could always take the adversarial route.

One session led to two, and ended in four sessions. Step by step they worked on every issue together:

Custody and a parenting schedule;
Division of assets, including how to keep joint ownership of their marital home;
Child support; and
Spousal maintenance.

The sessions were truly amazing. The spouses were patient with each other, putting their children at the forefront of their conversations. They worked in good faith through some issues which were somewhat complicated. They also learned how to relate to each other in discussing issues surrounding the children and their finances.

Even though both parties were tense at the outset, as they made decisions and progressed, I could feel their tension slowly ebbing. This led them to become more respectful of each other and more generous in the way they approached the sharing of their assets.

Were there moments of upset and concern about finances and how they would manage living separately? Of course. But as I helped them analyze their projected budgets and see how they could handle the children’s expenses together, they developed a plan that gave them a structure they could work with.

Once they had a road map, they felt more in control and less fearful of the journey ahead. Would adversarial attorneys have given them this opportunity to work together and create this road map? Most likely not.

It was truly a remarkable success for them. And to top it off, I received a lovely note from Brad at the end of the mediation process, thanking me for helping them to preserve their parental relationship 100%.

Are you concerned that the mediation process may not be for you? Please, give it a try. Call me for information at (917) 881-5206.

Social Media Comments

Thank you Jennifer for an amazing and wonderful “good news” story of the benefits of Mediation for these separated parents rather than the lengthy adversarial court process.

(Yvette Strawbridge on Linkedin)

Bravo, if you feel that the parties self determined the result. I read this as a mastery of mediation “style” by the mediator.

In some states it is required that divorcing parties take “parenting classes.” Makes mediating their issues much easier because they can also face each other when talking. Don’t have that pesky mediator speaking for them and sometimes wrongly during separate sessions……….

(Paul Rajkowski on Linkedin)

You can make a case that the “inability to have a civil conversation” is precisely a reason to ENGAGE a mediator, hardly a reason to avoid one!

(John (Norval) Settle on Linkedin)

Yes! Mediation can strengthen the co-parenting relationship whereas, unfortunately, so often litigation weakens if not destroys it.

(Rosemarie Ferrante on Linkedin)

I have always thought that one of the most important benefits of mediating your divorce is that it allows the couple to create new methods of communicating for their children’s benefit so that they can do-parent more successfully post-divorce. Great article!

(Susan E. Guthrie on Linkedin)

It requires special knowledge to quarrel in a civiliced manner. Plenty of times things polarize and the other party gets upset by the temper of the other. Sometimes I let them take a round and then ask a question about their capabilities to have conversations that lead somewhere. Sometimes I stop it and ask the other how it feels – keeping in mind that there are plenty of reasons why the other looses his/her temper.

(Mika Koskinen on Linkedin)

Mika, you just made the argument for mediation — people who can “quarrel constructively” on their own mostly don’t need us! Good thing they’re rare! 🙂

A separate meeting (or “caucus”) is a tool among many that all mediators should know how to use and include in their toolboxes. Some may use it often, some rarely. It also depends on the type of case — e.g., family mediators may use it less than others, since parties’ development of effective interaction skills is so important to their continuing role as parents post-mediation; whereas insurance claims mediators use it commonly as part of short-term problem-solving. As primarily a workplace mediator, I frequently, but certainly not always, caucus. The point is: over-generalizing about use of caucuses is not helpful — it’s so dependent upon the needs of the people in a given case.

(John (Norval) Settle on Linkedin)

Yes you make a good point I practice only family cases, mostly divorce. I do mention in my first meeting that if needed, we may caucus in which case both parties will have a chance to meet with me separately.

(Jennifer Safian on Linkedin)

Caucusing with pro se spouses in a divorce mediation can cause trust issues. It is an important tool but one that really has to be used carefully in a heated divorce. I agree that the inability to have a civil conversation is no reason to avoid mediation but I have had situations where spouses’ volatility made the process longer and less efficient. Yet, I chose not to caucus because I knew one or both of the spouses simply would not feel secure knowing conversations were going on behind their back. I felt it was better to be safe than to face a loss of trust which would derail the process. I think caucusing is a great tool just not one I feel confident about in pro se divorce mediations.

(Brenda Baietto on Linkedin)

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Jennifer Safian

jennifer safian. divorce and family mediator
divorce and family mediation
upper east side of manhattan (nyc)
new york, ny
(917) 881 5206
jpsafian@gmail.com