{3 minutes to read}  In this article, I would like to acknowledge some of the moments in mediation sessions that often trigger painful feelings for some people going through a divorce. One party may be more sensitive to one issue while the other party may be more sensitive to another. It is not unusual that the parties themselves may be taken by surprise when they find themselves overcome by such intense emotions. We must allow them space to express their emotions, whether tears, sudden silence, heavy breathing, or other signals.

Bringing to light some of these episodes can help others in the room be more empathetic and more understanding of what occurred. Once the difficult moment has passed, people are usually able to continue with the process. 

In the Beginning

At the first meeting, I ask each party to tell me what brings them to mediation and what each of them would like to accomplish through the process. This might be the first time that one of the parties actually comes to the realization that the separation is happening. Having to say out loud words like separation or divorce can be very hard, and the cause of much pain and anxiety. 

Midway Through

Discussing the division of their furniture and kitchen items may set off unexpected emotions. Just the thought of giving up a much-loved pot or a toaster can stir up a lot of tension between couples. Is it really about the pot? Or is it the fear of the separation, and of letting go? The family kitchen is often referred to as the heart of the home and it is hard for them to imagine the alternative.

Approaching the End

Once the parties have made all of their decisions, I write them up in a Memorandum of Understanding, a document that will be the basis for the Legal Separation Agreement. A last meeting with the couple to review the Memorandum and just the mere fact of going through the document is another painful reminder that they are closer to the actual separation. At times, a decision that seemed fully resolved is being questioned again. What happened? A sign of last-minute anguish? I have observed on numerous occasions how very difficult this reading can be.

These are only a few examples. There are many other trigger moments and they are as different as the people who experience them. Being attentive and understanding means a lot to those overcome by these emotions.

Even if you are eager for this divorce, and relieved that it will soon be final, your understanding and support for your soon-to-be-ex will help ease their emotions and move the process forward.

Jennifer Safian

Jennifer Safian

jennifer safian. divorce and family mediator
divorce and family mediation
upper east side of manhattan (nyc)
new york, ny
(917) 881 5206
jpsafian@gmail.com
Jennifer Safian

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