{2:30 minutes to read} Communication is key in every interaction of our lives. We all say things that can lead to different interpretations. And what we hear the other person say may not necessarily be what they meant. So when in doubt, do not hesitate to ask, “What do you mean by that?”
I listened recently to a podcast by psychologist Mel Schwartz who gave a few examples:
Example #1:
Person A: “How are you?”
Person B: “I can’t complain.”
Person A feels himself getting angry and thinks Person B is being melodramatic, inferring that he has a lot of problems and wants A to feel sorry for him.
What B meant was that he really was ok despite some difficulties but had no intention of playing victim.
Example #2:
Spouse A: “I can’t do this anymore.”
Spouse B is thinking: “I can’t believe he is breaking up with me.”
In fact, spouse A meant that he could not continue this argument anymore while spouse B thought he wanted to break up with her.
Example # 3:
Spouse A said in a marital therapy session: “He has no idea how to be intimate.”
Spouse B thought that she was complaining about sex, when in fact, she meant that he did not know how to share his feelings and thoughts with her.
These three examples show how expressing thoughts can lead to serious misunderstanding, anger and/or hurt feelings. This often happens in the course of a divorce mediation, where one party simply voices a need that is misinterpreted by the other party. An angry reaction will only escalate the conflict.
To avoid going off on a tangent, pause for a moment to reflect. Creating a space between the reaction and a response provides an opportunity for a thoughtful reply. When you suspend your emotions, you can better express yourself. Ask the other person for clarification rather than reacting impulsively. Questions are more productive than accusations. Giving the other person the opportunity to explain will make them feel heard, while at the same time giving you more clarity as to their comment’s intention.
Jennifer Safian
divorce and family mediation
upper east side of manhattan (nyc)
new york, ny
(917) 881 5206
jpsafian@gmail.com
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