{3 minutes to read} Do you remember playing on seesaws when you were a child? You and a friend would sit on either side of a plank balanced in the middle of a fixed support. One would push off the ground and go up, while the other would bend their knees and go down. When the other would push off the ground, the one in the air would come down, and so forth and so on.
Sometimes, the person going down would not push off again, stranding the other person in the air. The person on the downward side definitely controlled when the person who was up, could come down again. To exit the seesaw gracefully, both people had to come to the same level before they could leave the plank.
I remember that image when some couples come to mediation. One spouse, let’s call him Peter, is pushing for the divorce to be done as soon as possible, while the other, let’s call her Julie, is holding back, looking for reasons to remain in the marriage.
Initially, Peter is taking the lead and leaving Julie up in the air as he pushes his agenda. Julie realizes that she cannot stay in the marriage alone, so she eventually agrees to go along. With the mediator acting as the fulcrum, Julie and Peter make decisions regarding their separation. They go through all the steps; custody of their children, payment of child support, the division of their assets, spousal support and all other issues that need to be worked out.
When it is time to review their agreement, their states of mind have changed. Peter is finding reasons to delay the review while Julie is now pushing to end the divorce process and move on with her life. She looks at him puzzled and says: “Peter I don’t get it, you asked for the divorce, rushing me to get this done and now, you keep canceling appointments and finding excuses to delay the final steps.“
Human nature is such that sometimes we are in one state of mind and then, at other times, in a different one. Up on one side of the seesaw, or down on the other side. Mediation will help couples find balance and common ground on which they can safely step off the seesaw and move on.
Jennifer Safian
divorce and family mediation
upper east side of manhattan (nyc)
new york, ny
(917) 881 5206
jpsafian@gmail.com
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