spirit leaving hand{4 minutes to read}  We may think that being angry at someone will make that person suffer, but the truth is by holding grudges, we harm ourselves more than we harm the other person. It eats at our insides; it infiltrates our thoughts; and often prevents us from moving ahead with our own lives.

I came across an article written by Oprah in a 2017 issue of O Magazine which made a lot of sense to me. I decided to share it here with the hope that it might help you or someone you know.

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I’ve mastered the art of letting go so well, I forget to be angry. Ask anyone who really knows me, and they will confirm: I don’t hold grudges very long.

I learned the lesson, yes (this person cannot be trusted — or is toxic, dangerous, rude, whatever), but the grinding replay of what was done or said, looping over and over in my head, I let go. For me, it comes from years of practice. And from listening, over the decades, to thousands of stories from people who couldn’t release the past and got stuck in it. For sure, that’s one of the great tragedies of human behavior I’ve witnessed: seeing grown men and women who can’t stop playing the mind tape from an event that happened days, weeks, sometimes years ago. 

What a loss of precious time and energy, being a prisoner by your own hand, laden with the burdens of the past. 

Eckhart Tolle speaks beautifully of this in his book “A New Earth,” when he shares the story of two Zen monks:

Tanzan and Ekido…were walking along a country road that had become extremely muddy after heavy rains. Near a village, they came upon a young woman who was trying to cross the road, but the mud was so deep, it would have ruined the silk kimono she was wearing. Tanzan at once picked her up and carried her to the other side.

The monks walked on in silence. Five hours later, as they were approaching the lodging temple, Ekido couldn’t restrain himself any longer. “Why did you carry that girl across the road?” he asked. “We monks are not supposed to do things like that.”

“I put the girl down hours ago,” said Tanzan. “Are you still carrying her?”

That’s reality for so many people. Maybe you’re one of them, holding on to what happened or what you think should have happened. A single question got me started: Do you want to be right, or do you want peace? Those 11 words released me years ago and put me on the path to freedom.

Whatever your reason for holding onto resentments, I know this for sure: There is none worth the price you pay in lost time. Time you could have given yourself to love and live more fully. Time you can never make up.

The time is now. Let go!

Oprah’s advice applies to all walks of life. In the case of separation or divorce, some behaviors occur, maybe once, maybe repeatedly, which create much upset between the parties causing pain and anger. These reactions are normal and there is a time for these feelings to be expressed. However, holding on to them for months and years beyond the separation, will just keep you “stuck” in the same place and prevent you, and those around you, from enjoying life. 

Jennifer Safian

Jennifer Safian

jennifer safian. divorce and family mediator
divorce and family mediation
upper east side of manhattan (nyc)
new york, ny
(917) 881 5206
jpsafian@gmail.com
Jennifer Safian

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