let’s be honest

let’s be honest

{3 minutes to read}

Let’s be honest:

I once worked with a divorcing couple where the parents had agreed in principle that each of them would have the children 50% of the time. The hardest issue for them to accept was being away from their children. When discussing their parenting schedules, the father admitted that his work required him to be away from home frequently, and recognized that a 50% arrangement was actually not realistic for him. He could hire a babysitter on the days he was away, but even though it pained him that the mother would have the children more often than he would, he recognized that it would be better for the children to stay with their mother during the times when he was away.

The mother appreciated the father’s gesture and offered that he take the children for some extra vacation time to make up for some of the lost days.

Let’s be honest:

This is about a separating couple with a 9-month-old baby. The father wanted to have the child 50% of the time. In the course of the mediation the father recognized that while they were living together, the mother actually did most of the caretaking, and that he would not know what to feed the child, when to put him down to sleep, or what to do when the child cried. He was honest about the fact that even though he wanted the child 50% of the time, he was unsure as to how he would manage.

The mother, touched by his honesty and recognition that she did all the work, offered to help him with the adjustment if he was willing to come to her house, help her in the caretaking before and after work and on some weekends, before he cared for the child on his own.

In both stories, honesty was appreciated and led to the other party being more open and generous.

You can be honest with others, but if you are not honest with yourself, you are not really being honest.

Don’t shrug off your feelings
Be authentic: don’t pretend to be someone different than you really are
Be fair and sincere
Own up to your mistakes
Understand that it’s ok not to know everything and to ask questions
Make decisions based on your values, not on what you think people want to hear

Accepting your weaknesses and flaws, being transparent and honest with yourself will in the long term allow people to trust you and see you for the real human being that you are. You will gain more clarity about the things you want and will be better able to set your priorities and your goals. Showing your true self will bring you a sense of peace and help you develop long-lasting relationships.

Being honest with oneself can sometimes be harder than we think. Do you remember any situations where you were faced with such a challenge?

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Jennifer Safian

jennifer safian. divorce and family mediator
divorce and family mediation
upper east side of manhattan (nyc)
new york, ny
(917) 881 5206
jpsafian@gmail.com